It's almost midnight.

Again.

For some reason, I can't sleep anymore.

I'm so burnt out.

Every thing feels so dead.

Things I used to get so excited about barely coax a smile.

People that used to make me laugh for hours do nothing.

I try so hard to be optimistic:

"Things will change!.. Everything will be different when you get out of Wilton...

College will be so much better than this"

But will it?

Or is it me.

It  has to be.

Other people enjoy high school.

Other people enjoy their lives.

I've tried so hard to not get caught up in the crap.

I wanted my senior year to be the best.

I tried to do things I wanted to do.

They all ended up being horrible.

This is stupid.

Why do I put myself through this.

Maybe this is why no one will ever want me...

--Beer Fridge-->

I'm going to brag.
I did AWESOME on my ACT retake.
30 Baby!
So now I'm up for a major scholarship through Drake.
I still haven't heard from them.
I know I shouldn't worry, but I can't help it.
I'm ...
I don't even know what I am any more.
I'm tired and lonely and bored and frustrated.
I'm not enjoying this year at all.
Senior year was supposed to be the best.
All my friends either moved away or are busy.
I'm busy. There's too much stuff to do.
Year book is sucking. No one does their job.
I don't know what to do anymore.
We're way late for our deadline already.
I'm going through this year one day at a time, just waiting for the end to come.
I keep telling myself that I'm ready for college,
that this year sucks because I'm stuck in this stage and ready for the next,
But what if I'm not.
What if I get to college, and I'm lost.
What if I make no new friends.
What if I suck it up in all my classes.
What if I let everyone down.
I don't know how I'm ever going to pay for it.
Forget about tuition, what about food?
Going out with friends? if I find any friends...
God I hate this.
I hate doubting myself.
I really hate the reason why.
I'm lonely.
I'm lonely because there isn't a guy in my life.
I'm supposed to be stronger than that.
Look at all the wonderful women in my life,
The incredibly beautiful, and talented, and strong women.
Why can't I be more like them?
This is stupid.
This isn't who I'm supposed to be.
I'm going to let everyone down.
I'm going to let myself down,
But I don't know what to do about it.
I can't even find words to describe what I'm feeling.
Yeah, I'm going to make a freakin great writer someday...

What are you waiting for, A Certain shade of green?

this is really weird.
I'm not sure I've ever gone this long without having a crush before.
Well, not since sixth grade when I actually started liking boys.
(AHH MAN! Any other boy blog? Crap. Well to you I say, Shut Up! ;) )

It seems like I always have a thing, at least a little one, for at least one boy.
Always.
Right now, nothing.
No one, I should say.
It's really weird.
It's been like this for a few months now.
There is no prospects.
No one I'm even remotely interested in.
There's no one even eligible.

I'm not sure what it means yet.
I keep telling myself it's so I'll be available when the right person comes along,
That God is sending someone my way, and this way I'll be ready,
But no one is here yet.

I've been keeping my eyes open, considering people I never have before,
Nope.
Nothing there.

There's always that I'm just supposed to be alone right now,
Nothing wrong with that.
And it's very true.
I like being single.
I can be who I want,
Where I want,
When I want,
and not have to worry that it's going to make my boyfriend mad.

But I feel so alone.
I have AMAZING friends, but there's a missing thing there.
When something amazing happens, there's no one that I automatically want to tell.
If I have a spare hour when I'm bored, no one immediately comes to mind to call.
Who do I invite to a Hawks game or a cousin's wedding or a school dance?
Yeah, my amazing friends, but it's just different.
And most of my friends have significant others.
They have their boyfriends or their girlfriends,
so at the end of the night, they want to be with them.
I completely understand that, but where does it leave me?
Alone at home with a book or the remote.

I'm just not sure what to do anymore.
Yeah, there's college.
I'm sure to meet TONS of new people there.
Friends.
More than friends...
But that's 10 months from now.

I love her dearly, but I don't want to bring Danielle to Prom.
I want to have all the fun senior memories.
I'd love to go on a first date.
I'm just out of people.
Grrrr.

Ahh, the Power of Queso..

WELP,
Time for an update I suppose.

Life is busy for me right now.
GO GO GO GO GO GO GO!
So tonight is nice.
No homework.
No immediate commitments.
Nothing needs done for tomorrow.
This is nice...

Have you ever seen Across the Universe?
You should.
It's amazing.
I watched it last night, so I had Beatles stuck in my head all day.
Not a bad thing at ALL!

Ooo, something does need done.
I need to read a play.
We're doing a Jr. High play again this year, and I'm co-directing.
Oh well, it can wait for a few minutes.
It's two pages long, so it'll take about half a second to read.

Tomorrow, the Beaver Tale editor, our advisor, and myself get to visit with the principal (who is NOT my pal right now) about the new editorial policy Dylan (BT Editor) drew up.
For some reason, our administrator thinks he has the right to edit our student publications all he wants, which is illegal in this great state of Iowa.
So I'm super glad I about getting yelled at for an hour.
Should be fun times.

Ooo!
Haunted housing was fun.
A group of us went Saturday night after the Hawkeye game in which we KILLED Wisconsin.
That was awesome.
We are a goofy bunch, let me tell you.

I need a laptop.
Any suggestions?
I'm leaning toward Apple, even though they're hellaciously expensive.
I've heard they're good for photo editing, and the whole journalism department at Drake uses Apple.
Let me know if this is a horrible idea or a great one.

Technology.

Welp, it's official.
Anything electronic hates me.
It's a shock I can even type this right now, I'm a little concerned the keyboard is going to blow up mid-word.
My new phone, the keyboard keeps sucking.
The letters either stick so I get ddoouubbllee letters or they don't work so I get letters.
OR the Back key sticks so I have to
OR the Back key sticks so I have to start all over again.
It's stupid.

AND my iPod.
I've made two calls in two days to the apple help line.
I've restored it something like 10 times now sinces Monday.
(Made it "like new" by wiping it clean.)
I'm SOOOO pissed.

Even the remote flew out of my hand and ended up in pieces earlier.
Grrr.

On a better note, Homecoming week has be AMAZING!
The funniest things have happened.
Brad Garrett dressed up like a woman for the senior football mom skit.
Old People/Teacher day was the best idea EVER!
We had toilets on our senior float. (Then dispensed them around town....)
The game is looking promising, and I'm bringing my Danielle to the dance, so it's going to be a blast too.
Wooo Hooo!

I'm such a dork.

*sigh*

So my uncle died.
My mom's brother, he was only 53.
We all were scared to hear how.
He had been going through a pretty rough patch in his life.
I won't lie, Suicide was the first thing to pop into my head.
But, as horrible as it sounds, luckily it was a heart attack.

Now I'm in Waulkegan, his visitation was last night.
I was ok until my cousin Brandon cried. We were standing next to each other, and he just lost it.
Afterwards, he looked up at me angrily, "You made me cry!"
"Nuh uh! You made ME cry!"
Sibling rivalry. :)

Ok, so family rundown.
I was a "surprise" so all of my cousins are at least 6 years younger or older than me.
ALL of them.
SO, at all family gatherings, I get picked on.
On Dad's side, the bigger ones pick on me.
On Mom's side, I play distraction for the younger ones.
It used to be fun, painful, but fun.
But I've gotten older, so being piled with pillows and used as a punching bag is no longer my idea of a fun time.
I told you all that to tell you this:
My younger cousin, Kayla, told me yesterday that I'm not fun anymore.
THAT was a punch in the face.
But, ya know, now it's their turn.
The older ones can teach the younger ones all that I taught them,
Everything my older cousins taught me.
I guess it's just been a reflextionary couple of days.

Ooo! Also, my other Uncle John told me that my cousin really enjoys reading my blog.
I didn't know she even did, so that was exciting.
At first, I was a little embarrased because I'm rather...Colorful with it sometimes, but oh well!

On the boy front, I'm thinking about asking my friend Chris to Homecoming.
He's from New London, so it's kind of a drive, but I've gone down there a couple times, so he owes me a trip or two.
Liz thinks it would be a TON of fun, but if all else fails, there's still Danielle and that would be a BLAST!!

Something else....hmmm
OH yeah!
Yearbook.
I thought it was going to be good, the staff at least.
I really didn't think we were going to have any problems.
WRONG!
A bunch of junior girls who don't listen and talk ALL THE TIME!
This is some important stuff we're trying to do, and all they care about is what they think.
Too bad none of it is useful or makes sense at all...
GUEOIUGHA:KJLIVJLKEA
On the bright side, I got the ladder done.
Margo (my advisor) has been on my back about that sinse the beginning of the year.
And they'll have last year's books out today, so thats exciting.
Now we'll just have to field complains about something we can't change and had nothing to do with.
Great.

But I'm over it
lol


Ok, enough for now.

WTF, Mate!

Courtesy of Dictionary.com

No results found for hors d'ouvres:

Did you mean pestiferous?


Why yes, I did.
Thanks Dictionary.com!
What would I ever do without you?

*Sniff*

Welp,
It's 1am.
I'm sick.
I've been home for the past two days.
I have to work tomorrow at 7am.
As my luck goes, of course, I can't sleep.
So I write.

I'm breaking up with Steve tomorrow.
I don't mind being friends with him, I hope we can keep that up,
but he's too serious too fast.
He told me he was falling in love with me the other day.
I've only known him for a month.

Plus, I'm just kinda confused right now.
I don't really know what I want.
It's senior year, and I definitely don't want to be tied down,
esp to someone I don't really like that much. LOL

I wish I could breathe.
Breathing is nice.

My article on the parking lot is going to run on the front page of The Beaver Tale.
Thats exciting!
Not so exciting: someone screwed up all the staffs plans and told everyone that the yearbooks are in, so we can't do the release party like we planned.
The staff is already pissing me off.
I think I'm going to kill someone by the end of the year.

Oo! more news.
I found a date for homecoming, maybe.
I asked Danielle if she'd go with me, and she said yes!
I'm not making that definite yet, in case a boy asks me, but Danielle and I would have too much fun with it, so it'll be a blast either way. :)

Brian Regan's new special is on tomorrow.
I am PSYCHED!
He's probably my new favorite comedian.

Ok, well thats all the random shit I can think of right now.
I'll have more later.

Life is truely a bitch.

Nic Peterson died.
20 years old, riding on his motorcycle,
Dead.
That was like a bus hitting me.
Josh is in my class.
Watching him suffer through school today was god awful.
Seeing all of my big tough football guy friends cry,
My heart hurt after that.
Tomorrow is his memorial service.
Thats going to suck too.

Why do bad things have to happen to good people?
Nic was always nice.
He treated everyone like a friend.
He was this amazing kid with so much potential, but now, just gone.

I know everything is by His plan, but sometimes I wonder how this could ever be part of anything Divine?
Nic didn't deserve this.

-------------------------------------------------------

On a side note, for my devoted readers, two updates:

Prom and Grad WILL be in the yearbook. The deadline for the supplement that goes in the back is June 1st, so we'll hand out the books in May, and send out the supplements next Sept. Everything is good now.

Also, for my big sisters who worry, Steve is nothing serious, just another experience under my belt. --Everyone's got to have that musician type, right?-- I'm leaving for college in less than a year (getting closer every day). I know this. He knows this. We're just hanging out and having fun. And it's not just him. I've met some great people before him and through him. For once, I don't feel like a tag along. I'm Nicole. Their friend, not Liz's friend, not Danielle's friend, not Lew's little cousin, not someone who found out about the party and showed up even though they didn't really want her there, I'm Nicole. They invite me on purpose, not because they feel obligated.

It's nice to fell really wanted by a whole group of people. I'm not sure I've ever really had that before.

It's Been Awhile

So schools not horrible...
Actually, the first couple days were REALLY boring.
My stats class might not happen (it's a college class and they can't find anyone to teach it) so nothing happened that block.
Journalism was nothing but talk about goals and shit.
Choir was...well...choir.
and Then open block which I couldn't leave because I just got the permission slip that day.
Next day, Painting and Drawing and Mrs Budding wasn't there so we did a book assignment.
Mentoring which I also couldn't do because of the permission slip thing.
Government...not horribly boring but a lot of introduction stuff.
Lastly, Physics. Again, intro stuff.

However, it was nice to see everyone again. I didn't realize how much I missed everyone.

Another update:

New boy.
His name's Steve. Just turned 20. He's a badass.
Well, not really. He got into some bad shit in high school, but knows how stupid it all was, and now he has his own place and he starts a new job tomorrow (at 11.50 an hour!!).
I'm actually really proud of him for doing as well as he does. His parents aren't great, never had good influences. It seems he wants to do better though. He has potential, he just needs encouragement.

Mom and Dad met him the other day. It was a very casual thing. They were in the beer tent and we went by to say hi because mom's old friend Carol was there and she wanted to see me all growed up. It was good times.

So there we go. Not much else new.

Oh, my hair is brown and purple now. HA!
A few thick purple streaks and the rest is light brown. I love it!

Ok all for now. later

The Boys of Summer

Uhhhh

I hate being busy.

Having money is great and all, and I really don't mind working, but it just eats my time. I worked Sunday and Monday, Tuesday I babysat and went to see Jessica in the hospital (More on that later), today I babysit and have a bonfire to go to so I can see everyone before they head to college AND its my friends birthday and he has no plans so I'm hanging out with him, tomorrow, I babysit AND work AND have a journalism party- at my house. I was supposed to have Friday off, but my manager has plans, so she asked me to fill in for her. And Saturday, I'm going to Aunt Judy's for a "silly girl's lunch" so there's basically my whole week. I hate having plans. I'd rather just be spontaneous.

I'm not complaining, I know it's my own fault for booking myself up. I guess it's part of growing up. I miss past summers when I just hung out with my friends, spent the night at people's houses all the time, didn't really have any plans. School starts in just a couple weeks, and I'm so scared its going to get insane again.

Bleh.

One of those girls who...

... needs a boy to be happy.
...gets lonely so easily.
...has to look in the mirror at every chance.
...always worries about how she looks.
...checks out every guy she sees.
...secretly hopes any boy is checking her out.
...dates people she's not really interested in because she's lonely.
...moves too quickly.
...likes someone too soon.
...can't feel good about herself.
...just wants to feel pretty.
...doesn't believe it when people tell her she is pretty.
...has no self control.
...complains but does nothing about it.
...drowns her boredom and loneliness in food.
...feels fat.
...feels ugly.
...hates herself.
...cries to herself.
...can't stop.
...feels stupid.
...wants all her friends to set her up.
...hopes it'll get better later.
...knows it won't ever get better.
...I always mocked.
...I always swore I wouldn't be.
...I am.

Pride

"I'm so proud of you."

I've heard that phrase from at least 4 people in the past few days, and I know more than that were thinking it.

One was in tears when I told her about the encounter.

I never really thought about people being proud of me.

Just so you know, hearing it means more to me than any of you will ever know.

"My tears do not compromise my strength."

Things are better now, A lot better.

Tuesday night after work, I called Liz. I got all dressed for success, and we went to find Matt. We did, at his house, at 10 pm. She came with to make sure I didn't chicken out, which is good because I would have. I called him from Liz's phone so I knew he'd answer (since he'd been ignoring my calls) and said, and I quote, "I need to talk to you. I'm in front of your house right now. If you don't come outside to talk to me, I'll barge up to your room and make you." He said I'll be down in a minute. He was.

I walked up to him with a look to kill. He looked at me with desperate eyes. He asked me to sit, I asked him "Why?", he said to be more comfortable, so I did, but not where he indicated. I had to keep the upper hand. I didn't let him talk first, even though I knew he wouldn't.

I just want to know why. Why have you been ignoring me for a month? Why did you just drop me out of no where, say you would call me, and then not? You always said you were mature but you have proved yourself to be the very opposite. But more than any of that, I miss you. For a short while, you were a massive part of my life, then BOOM, you drop off the face of the earth. So much has happened that I wanted to tell you about. So many times, I needed to talk to you, and there was no answer. You have no idea how much that hurt. I can get over losing a boyfriend, but the wound a lost friend leaves never heals.

It's not word for word, but its close. I could see repentance in his eyes, but it didn't mean anything until the words left his lips.

I knew I was being an ass. I knew it every time I didn't answer your calls or didn't reply to a message or text. I'm an ass.

At least he can admit it.

He told me it was to piss me off. He wanted to make it easier for me to get over him. For some girls that might have worked, but not for me. I told him instead of hating him, I hated myself. I wondered what I did wrong, what I needed to change, how I messed things up. He uncomfortably shifted his weight. This wasn't going how he had planned, No, for once, things were going the way I wanted.

He also said he wanted to wait because he didn't want us to "fall into a groove": he didn't want us to be friends for awhile, and then find ourself in the same confusing situation. I hate to admit it, but he was right. We would have done exactly that, although I think it's awful the way he ignored me.

In a way, I'm glad he did. I'm proud now. I like who I am again. I feel strong. I stood up to him, I made him talk to me, I forced him to face me: to look me in the eye and see my pain. I held back the tears and stared into the eyes I fell in love with, and he saw nothing but harsh ice cold blue staring back at him. I didn't just accept my strength, I regained it, I fought for it.

And I miss you, too.

I finally released the gate of my tears. I knew then that things were going to be okay: as much as he meant the rest, he had been dying to say the last. The tears running down my cheeks showed him how much he hurt me. I think it made more of a difference for him, and I had nothing more to prove. "My tears do not compromise my strength."

We spent half an hour catching up on our lives, covering the time we had missed with each other. We agreed to be friends again: he wouldn't ignore me anymore. Hopefully it holds true. I would hate to drift away from him. That hour reminded me what caught me in the first place. I had forgotten how funny he is, how soft he looks when a kitten starts crawling all over him. He's not such a bad guy, just a little lost sometimes.

He went to my car to "talk privately" to Liz. He apologized to her, thanked her for being such a good friend, and asked her to help me get over him. Cocky, yes, but a nice gesture. It was unnecessary. The hour with him was really all I needed. I needed to know why. I needed to know it wasn't me. I'm better now. More than better. I found closure as he walked away, and found friendship again as we hugged before he went into his house and I walked to my car.

I hope I haven't seen the last of Matt; though I know now I'm strong enough to make anything happen.

Letters that you never meant to send.

I hate this. I hate who I am, who you've made me. I thought I was stronger than this. You are my kryptonite. I've had my heart broken before, but this is more. This isn't heartbreak. This is utter humiliation. You made me promise, Promise, that no matter what happened, we'd still talk, we'd still be friends.

I haven't cried like this since freshman year. My hot tears are running down my cheeks, and I've stopped wiping them away. There's no point. More would follow and take their place.

I thought you were different. I thought you were cool. I thought you were mature. I figured even if it didn't work, even if the distance got to us or college wedged it's way between us, we could at least talk and remember the good times. I thought you wanted that too. I have never been so wrong about someone in my entire life.

You completely blindsided me. The person I met - the one I opened up to, the one I let into my heart even thought everything in my head told me not to - turned out to be the complete opposite of everything you told me you were.

I've been lied to before, but not like this. I've been used before, but not like this.

"All I can say is I'm sorry."

Lies.

You could explain why. You could tell me why the person I gave everything to turned around ripped out my heart and threw it in the trash. No, that's a lie, too. You didn't even care that much. You just ignored me completely.

I'm not even worth words. I'm below you.

Do you see what you've made me? I'm a blubbering mess on the floor. I can't pick myself up. No matter how much I try, I can't move on. I hear a song and think of you. I say something and think of you. I see a picture and think of you.

You never think of me. You don't have to tell me, I know. If you did, you wouldn't be able to do this. I'm sure by now, you've found some other girl, someone else who thinks your different, who thinks maybe this time she won't get hurt.

Can you promise me one thing? Let her down easier than you did me. Tell her why. Give her notice, don't spring it on her. Let her know its coming so that she might actually have a fighting chance of saving a small piece of her heart. A fight maybe? Don't ignore her either. Answer her calls, acknowledge her existence. Even if you don't want to be with her, don't tear her down till she's even lower than the dirt you walk on. Anyone who has the courage to try deserves better than that.

Plus, I don't think your soul is strong enough to take the karma of another utter humiliation.

And it really makes me wonder.

So I went to Muscatine today.
Just me.
I love driving by myself.
I do a lot of thinking when I drive.
So I was thinking.
I can't think of a single boy I like,
Not even one I'd be interested in dating.
That's SO weird for me.
I at least have one guy in mind.
Normally, it's many.
But there's not one.
Why? I asked myself.
Matt.

It really blows my mind. I'll be listening to a song or watching the starts or see a commercial or say something or hear something, and it'll make me think of someone. At first, I can't think of who I'm thinking about. Then it hits me.
Matt.

I should hate him. I thought he was different. He told me he wasn't like that, he hated guys like that, and then he is that.

He won't talk to me. He completely ignores me. How am I supposed to get closure?

Nothing for over a month. I should hate him, right? I at least shouldn't cry every time I think about him.

Why? Why would he do this? What's the point? Did he think I'd get over him more quickly? Did he intend for this to happen? For me to think about him all the time so that I'm completely miserable? Does he just know how much this is bugging me and he's doing it just to make me cry? did he really mean anything he told me?

WHY?!?!

Why would you tell someone you really care about them and never want to lose them, and then ignore them for a month? It doesn't make sense! And how the hell am I supposed to move on when I don't even know what I did wrong?

I'd try to contact him, but I know it'd be no use. That would just be him winning more. But he's already won. He took something from me I can never get back and what does he care? I was just another girl. He lied to me and he played me and then dropped me. I'm disposable.

But I can't let go. No matter how much he doesn't care, I can't stop.

I'm so tired of crying over him, but I can't stop.

How do I make it stop?

Let's crunch the numbers

Ahh, the inner battle.

Holly wants to introduce me to her friend John. She thinks we'll be really cute and we'd get along great and blah blah blah. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure he's a really nice guy and it's more than possible we'd hit it off, but I just can't help but think why...

I'm 17 years old. I had my first official boyfriend at 13. I have had 6 official boyfriends. I have "dated" something like 5 more (as in not serious, but we flirted, thought about dating, etc). I've had crushes on countless guys and I'm sure have been crushed on multiple times. Out of the 6 actual relationships, only two have been for more than two months. One of those two lasted almost six months, but we saw each other at most twice a week. The other ended up being a complete asshole, and to this day, I have no idea what really happened - if he cheated on me, what he lied to me about, I know we fought and broke up, but it's hard to say the real reason. In short, after 4 years of dating, I have had 0 successful relationships. I don't regret it, don't get me wrong, I'm just losing hope.

The last guy, wow... I don't even know how to describe him. I met him through a friend, we thought we couldn't date because it would make people, (well, one person,) mad, but we did anyway and he was just amazing. He took me out all the time, we talked every night, we could hang out for hours and never run out of things to do or talk about. I thought I could fall in love with him. I was falling in love with him. Then, one day, out of nowhere, he broke up with me. No fight, no anger, just said he wasn't being fair to me and broke up with me. That was 4 weeks and 2 days ago. Since then I have heard nothing from him. No, that's false, I have heard 7: "All I can say is I'm sorry." Sorry for what? For lying to me? For breaking my heart? for ignoring me for a month? For making me promise that no matter what, we'd still talk, and not even 2 hours later, breaking up with me? He didn't specify.

Now I'm afraid to get involved with anyone else. The last rebound relationship I had was completely horrible. After my longest relationship (13 months), I dated a guy for a few weeks and he took it way to seriously. Granted, I might have led him on, I take responsibility for that one, but he was still pining for me a year later. He's the friend that wouldn't accept my last relationship.

What if I do the same thing? What if I hurt someone else? What if I get hurt? Whats the point of dating these guys for 6 weeks at a time?

I've only been at it for a few years, how am I going to do it? I quit, I can't face however many more years of this.

Maybe I'll get a mail-order boyfriend...

Ya, I know....

(Keep in mind, my best friend is a VanAtta, so I've already heard too much about how this is a horrible idea and I shouldn't let it happen and...)

It is crazy not to have Prom or graduation in the yearbook, but honestly, it's not my choice.

Our adviser made that decision and I have virtually no say in it. I get both sides of it. I'd love to have prom and graduation in it. They are two of the biggest events of the year. However, we will acknowledge it (thoughts, plans, expectations, etc). PLUS those layouts are always the worst: there's no way to get everyone involved in them on the page and the pictures are always bad. The real stories and memories are never in the yearbook anyway- everyone remembers something different and do you really need pictures of other people you didn't really know to remind you about your senior prom or your graduation?

This way, we'll have our yearbooks before we graduate, so we can actually have people sign them. We might even do some pockets or empty spaces where people can add their own photos or something...we haven't quite worked that one out yet.


Sorry, I'm working on my explanation...I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to repeat that about a billion times and then put a disclaimer in the book or something lol

On a lighter note, my new phone should arrive any day now! I'm super excited, I've never had a cool phone before, only the cheap ones we get deals on, so it's a big step to be buying one for myself! I love having money. Jobs are good.

Speaking of which, I'm interviewing for a very part time position at Jeff's tomorrow morning. I can't work super often because i have a thousand other things happening, but I need something besides a relative on my resume.

Nothing else for today

I'm Crazy!!

It's half way through summer, and I am setting myself up to go insane.

I'm editing the yearbook next year. We are doing things differently this year. First off, we're doing a chronilogical yearbook, so there are no designated pages, just timeline, sounds cool right? True, but that means I have to redo EVERYTHING. Nothing carries over. Crap. Also, we're doing a spring release, so our book will be out before the seniors graduate. Also sounds good right? True, but that means all the deadlines get moved up by months. Our book has to be done by April 1st. That means no Prom and no Graduation in the book. The shit is already hitting the fan for that one. I'm tired of the complaints already. Don't get me wrong, I'm soo excited, but it's going to be a lot of work.

And I'm planning another party for a certain person who is a huge part of my life for an upcoming birthday, and its going to cause craziness too....

uuurrggg...

I'm ridiculous

I'm the girl who's...

Honkin' at you
Cuz I left late again!

I overslept again today. Second day in a row, and I feel horrible!
I'm supposed to be at my sister's to babysit before 9 (she has to be at work at 9), so what time to I wake up, 8:57 am. Yup, I'm stupid. I know I set the alarm, so I'm guessing I hit off switch in a rage of wanting to sleep more, which doesn't surprise me, but I know I set my second alarm across the room too, so I think I might have actually sleep walked (slept walked? slept walk?) across the room to turn it off. That seems like dangerous territory to me. I didn't even stay up incredibly late... How am I going to make it in college? Hopefully I'll have very few morning classes. (cross your fingers) Luckily, my sister works for our dad, so it's not like her job is at stake for being a few minutes late, so no sweat there. I still just feel really bad for letting her down. Golly Jee Willikers!

On a brighter note, well, a freakishly creepy note, I was watching What Not To Wear last night at like midnight (yeah, I wasn't up THAT late). The woman on it looked JUST like my mom, like fraternal twin. It was creepy. My mom is way prettier than her, even after the makeover, but still, they could have been separated at birth, except this chick was like 6 years younger than Mom. Mom was happy about that one. :) (She had me tape it so she could see what they did with her hair: she never knows. How cute is that!)

So now I'm bored at my sis's with four kids up stairs playing nicely. The kids both have their best friends over, so my job is basically to provide food and resolve fights. I'm trying my best to ignore any loud noises I hear that sound like something falling on the floor above me: if I didn't, I'd be up there ever 5 seconds.

Cuz Baby We'll be, At the Drive in!

Well time for some comic relief!

Back story: Yesterday, I went to volunteer at the fair to raise some money for Zion Lutheran School, and ran into a guy I met a few days back, one of my best friend's best friend. His name is Matt, but everyone calls him Matty, and we'll continue that for clarification.

So I ran over to him and said hi; he was on the phone with our mutual friend, Holly. So she invited me to go the drive in, which was sooo much fun. I'm definitely going to return there, but I had the hardest trouble finding it because Matty SUCKS at giving directions.

I finally found the drive in, and was 20 minutes late; luckily I had already seen the movie (The Dark Knight - worth seeing a billion times) but I didn't want to drive in front of everyone finding them, so I parked in back and met them at the concession stand.

Now, if spending half an hour lost driving around at night wasn't enough fun for you, just wait. We finally got down to Matty's car, and I went to jump up on the hood and Completely wiped out, like on my back. Nice Nicole.

A while later, I had to go to the bathroom...back up the hills! So I was walking up one of the hills, and wiped out again. Fell up the hill, rolled over, and laughed by myself for a solid minute before I realized I was probably pissing off the people in the car next to me, and probably looked like a major idiot rolling around on the ground. LOL!

It was such a beautiful night one minute, and the next BAM! Instant Crap. There was a tornado warning, and rain started pelting down so hard it stung when it hit the skin. So Matty and Abby (their, well our, other friend) pussied out and went home, so I was gonna drive my car down to Holly's family's van. WELL, god, I don't even know why I'm telling this story, but it's funny so: so the hills were pretty sloped and not very tall. Matt drove up a couple so I thought my car could drive down them. False. I started down the first, my car bottomed out. Ah Crap. It's pelting down needles and my car is stuck. I called Holly, so she came up and helped. Luckily, my car weighs a grand total of 20 pounds, so we had no trouble lifting the back end up and it rolled down just fine. After that, we were soaking wet and freezing, so we left half way through the second movie.

Oh man...good times.

Then today, Liz and I went swimming at an outdoor pool, so my shoulders are BRIGHT red. Nice. But I do have tan lines so that's exciting! :)

Insomnia, Rain, and Banana Pancakes

I couldn't sleep last night. I'm not sure why. Maybe, it was the four hour nap I took when I got home last night. Perhaps, it was the thousands of random thoughts floating in my head. Feasibly, it was all the distractions the internet provides. Possibly it was the conversation with an amazing, old friend. Most likely, it was a combination of all those and more. In all reality, I blame iTunes and Spider Solitaire. I guess the nap probably didn't help either.

While up at all hours of the night, I did a little reading, some watching, quite a bit of listening, a chunk of writing, and massive amounts of thinking.

I don't know why I feel so incomplete. I shouldn't. This isn't meant to seem conceded, but I'm a pretty amazing person. I have worked very hard to become who I am. I have a lot of potential: right now, I could go into pretty much any field I choose, but somehow I feel lacking.

I have incredible friends, but so often it feels like they're too busy for me. They have their significant others, their jobs, their families; I guess I do, too. I shouldn't need it, but I do. I just wish I had that one person to share it all with. It's a different person every day, whoever is available for me to talk to. I fully appreciate them, don't get me wrong, I just miss having that one person to call when something unbelievable happens or when I'm having a really shitty day or I witness the most hilarious thing. Someone who loves me as much as I love them. Honestly, I've never had that. I've definitely been in love before, but I don't think they cared about me nearly as much as I did about them. I know someone has been in love with me, too, but I sadly couldn't love them.

I have one year, almost exactly, until everything I know changes. All the people I have known for years won't be there anymore. It's already changing. Danielle, my soul mate, the one person who as understood me completely, my sister, is moving across the state. For as long as I've known her, she's always been across the field. If I really needed her, all I had to do was call and say "Let's go for a walk" and after that, everything seemed better. Sure, we had our rough patch, and that was horrible, but it only made our relationship stronger. We've grown together. We've influenced each other's personalities so much that it's hard to tell where she stops and I begin. And in a few months, she'll be gone. Her family is moving, too. She says she's going to come back and visit, and I'm sure she will a few times, but then she'll get distracted. She'll have to work, she'll have class, she won't be able to afford the gas, we'll grow apart, before you know it, she'll be a memory from high school, an old friend I haven't seen in years.

It'll be the same with everyone else I know right now. More than likely, (apart from my family,) the people I know and love right now won't be part of my life in 10 years. I won't be alone, I know that. I'll make loads of new friends in college. I'll probably meet a guy and he'll become my life. I'll have a career and start a family and then my husband and kids will be my life. It just blows my mind to think about it. Right now, I can name at least five people who I owe my life to. I am them. They have molded me into who I am. They have supported me and driven me to be everything I want to be, and I can only hope I've done the same for them, yet eventually, I won't know them anymore. It completely terrifies me.

I'm a child for four more months. I have four months before I'm an adult. I have 12 before I have to put everything I've learned into practice. For the first time in my whole life, I'm going to have to share a room with someone. I'm not going to have a whole house to spread my life around. I'm going to have a room. Maybe two if I get a suite. I'll always have Mom and Dad's house, but it won't really be my home anymore. This town won't be my life anymore. This house won't be mine anymore. It'll be my parents.

Maybe that's why I couldn't sleep.

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I went outside this morning, and it had been raining. Not a heavy rain, just a shower. It was still just barely sprinkling. The grass was damp. The sidewalk was dark. The sky was a gorgeous shade of grey. The air was fresh. It's my favorite, the time right after it rains. Every color is deeper, richer. The air smells new. The sounds of life surround me in a blanket of security. I walked to then end of the driveway because there's always a great big puddle there after it rains. As I stepped in it, mud squished in between my toes and suddenly I was five years old again. I made footprints and splashed a little, watching my puddle ripple. A car turning the corner behind me brought me back, and I realized how ridiculous I must look: a teenager in shorts and a sweatshirt playing in mud puddles at six thirty in the morning. I turned to walk back to the house and stopped to take another amazing breath of the fresh morning air and realized that its exactly what's happening in my life right now.

Then I went inside, made myself some delicious banana pancakes, and ignored the world for awhile.

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My life is a rainstorm. It shouldn't be scary, but sometimes it is. I shouldn't worry about losing my friends because even if we grow apart and lose touch, I'll always have them. I'll always be them. It's a brand new chance. But I still will miss them. It's a new day. My senior year, I better make the most of it, but I don't have to. I know the people I spend it with will be ingrained in my memory forever. But, then again, if it's horrible I have a new chance to have fun. I have college. I have my whole life.

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I hope I end up being everything I want to be.

I hope I end up happy.

I think I need to sleep on it.

I enjoy being a girl!

(That was %100 sarcastic.)

Uhhh. I was all excited all week because Mom and I were going to have a fun day today, and then last night, everything changed...
it just keeps getting worse. It never used to bug me, now I'm dying. Cramps, headache, fatigue, nausea: I felt like I was dying all day. It guess worse every time. Walking around 3.6 billion stores didn't help much either. Days like today make me want to get a sex change. Remind me again why I can't get pregnant? I'm counting down the days to menopause. Midol doesn't help either. I need like extra strength, like Valium. LOL!

However, yesterday was fun! Liz and I took a road trip to see a friend, which was pretty good. We met him a few months ago at an honor band (go ahead and laugh...it was fun!) and we kept up with each other, so we hang out every once and awhile. When I got home, Danielle invited me to go with her to the midnight showing of The Dark Knight which turned out to be amazing! It was the first midnight show I'd ever been to, and I'm sooo glad I went! It was the best performance of Heath Ledger's career. I'm so pissed that he finally branched out, and it was his last. He had so much potential. I'm convinced it's all a publicity stunt; as soon as he gets the Oscar, he's going to walk on stage to accept it (Shut up, a girl can dream!) Danielle and I are convinced the role got to him. Being actors, we've experienced how a role can take over the actor. It's on purpose; you put yourself into your character's mind so you can become them on stage (or on screen) but by then end of the production, you've become that person out of practice, too. I've been more innocent, conceded, adventurous because that's what my character was. His character was insane. He knew how to mess with people's minds. To do that, you'd have to examine your own mind, figure out how it works, how people tick. It makes me scared to act, believe it or not.

On a brighter note, I saw a friend I haven't seen in a LONG time. She was a senior when I was a freshman, but she was one of my best friends, a mentor as well. She's one of the greatest actresses I've ever known. I haven't seen her in a really long time (graduation does that...) but she's doing really great. I'm really excited for her. She didn't have the greatest time in high school; I wouldn't call her an outcast, but she was a drama freak, we just aren't as accepted because we're weird. lol! She new like everyone in the line for the movie (a lot of them were really hot guys hahaha). She's got a boyfriend and I guess they're doing great. She's transferring to ISU in the fall. It's just good times for her!

AND she introduced me to a guy that, well, let's just say my dad would love him. (Danielle was referring to him as "The McCain Pusher") but idk... it just reminded me that there are many fish in the sea, and I need to just forget about Matt. If he's going to be stupid, then fuck him.

So now I'm all confused. I keep telling myself that I don't want to get in a relationship because I'll be off to college in a year. It'd be stupid to be in a relationship because as soon as I'm there, I'll be surrounded by hundreds of guys. Many of them will be aesthetically pleasing. At least a few are bound to be interested in me. Having a boyfriend would never work: I'm way to much of a flirt! (LOL) But in the mean time, I still really like boys. I'm trying to calm down and just let things happen, but when I meet a guy I like, I get over excited and freak out and scream and run around and circles and start planning the wedding and naming our kids and buying a house and reserving cemetery plots...ok, I'm not that bad, but I tend to rush into things. grrrrrr

Oh Yeah!

Actually, I forgot what it was, but Danielle reminded me so I found it again lol

Reunion

So I'm back again.

I had a blogspot in Jr High, but I got lazy with it and I think it probably has been deleted since then. In those years, I have created an new email and a new personality, so here I am again!

I'm pretty much here to stay connected with aunts, uncles, and cousins that I normally wouldn't get to talk to, and maybe to let off some steam when those crazy high school days start to get to me. Senior year, here I come!