"My tears do not compromise my strength."

Things are better now, A lot better.

Tuesday night after work, I called Liz. I got all dressed for success, and we went to find Matt. We did, at his house, at 10 pm. She came with to make sure I didn't chicken out, which is good because I would have. I called him from Liz's phone so I knew he'd answer (since he'd been ignoring my calls) and said, and I quote, "I need to talk to you. I'm in front of your house right now. If you don't come outside to talk to me, I'll barge up to your room and make you." He said I'll be down in a minute. He was.

I walked up to him with a look to kill. He looked at me with desperate eyes. He asked me to sit, I asked him "Why?", he said to be more comfortable, so I did, but not where he indicated. I had to keep the upper hand. I didn't let him talk first, even though I knew he wouldn't.

I just want to know why. Why have you been ignoring me for a month? Why did you just drop me out of no where, say you would call me, and then not? You always said you were mature but you have proved yourself to be the very opposite. But more than any of that, I miss you. For a short while, you were a massive part of my life, then BOOM, you drop off the face of the earth. So much has happened that I wanted to tell you about. So many times, I needed to talk to you, and there was no answer. You have no idea how much that hurt. I can get over losing a boyfriend, but the wound a lost friend leaves never heals.

It's not word for word, but its close. I could see repentance in his eyes, but it didn't mean anything until the words left his lips.

I knew I was being an ass. I knew it every time I didn't answer your calls or didn't reply to a message or text. I'm an ass.

At least he can admit it.

He told me it was to piss me off. He wanted to make it easier for me to get over him. For some girls that might have worked, but not for me. I told him instead of hating him, I hated myself. I wondered what I did wrong, what I needed to change, how I messed things up. He uncomfortably shifted his weight. This wasn't going how he had planned, No, for once, things were going the way I wanted.

He also said he wanted to wait because he didn't want us to "fall into a groove": he didn't want us to be friends for awhile, and then find ourself in the same confusing situation. I hate to admit it, but he was right. We would have done exactly that, although I think it's awful the way he ignored me.

In a way, I'm glad he did. I'm proud now. I like who I am again. I feel strong. I stood up to him, I made him talk to me, I forced him to face me: to look me in the eye and see my pain. I held back the tears and stared into the eyes I fell in love with, and he saw nothing but harsh ice cold blue staring back at him. I didn't just accept my strength, I regained it, I fought for it.

And I miss you, too.

I finally released the gate of my tears. I knew then that things were going to be okay: as much as he meant the rest, he had been dying to say the last. The tears running down my cheeks showed him how much he hurt me. I think it made more of a difference for him, and I had nothing more to prove. "My tears do not compromise my strength."

We spent half an hour catching up on our lives, covering the time we had missed with each other. We agreed to be friends again: he wouldn't ignore me anymore. Hopefully it holds true. I would hate to drift away from him. That hour reminded me what caught me in the first place. I had forgotten how funny he is, how soft he looks when a kitten starts crawling all over him. He's not such a bad guy, just a little lost sometimes.

He went to my car to "talk privately" to Liz. He apologized to her, thanked her for being such a good friend, and asked her to help me get over him. Cocky, yes, but a nice gesture. It was unnecessary. The hour with him was really all I needed. I needed to know why. I needed to know it wasn't me. I'm better now. More than better. I found closure as he walked away, and found friendship again as we hugged before he went into his house and I walked to my car.

I hope I haven't seen the last of Matt; though I know now I'm strong enough to make anything happen.