10 New Things Since My Last Post

1. My hair is now red. A purple streak will be added when I'm home for Thanksgiving.

2. I kinda know how to make a website, and will be designing one for Ervin's Inc, also during Thanksgiving break.

3. I went on a genuine first date. This was quite awhile ago, but it was a new experience. It was the best date I've ever been on, and it was with someone I didn't know before. He turned out to be less than desired, but it was still a good run.

4. At least one awesome concert a month. There's an excellent venue called the Vaudeville Mews just a couple minutes away (driving) that brings in indie rock groups that rock my socks. I also saw Cage the Elephant, Manchester Orchestra, and Silversun Pickups in concert in September. Look them up if you don't know it. It's worth your time.

5. I lost ALL my music, but got it back again. My external hard drive that had all 50 gigs of my music decided to die, but it revived itself somehow... It was the shittiest two months of my life.

6. Glee is one of my favorite shows. I thought I was going to hate it, but now I'm an addict. It makes me happy. I want to sing. Watch It NOW!

7. I miss home. I love it here, don't get me wrong, but I'm SO ready to go home for a while. Even Christina, my other half, the love of my life, my roooommate, is starting to drive me crazy. We need a break. Too much of each other. Plus I miss Mommy. And I want turkey. And mashed potatoes. And green bean casserole. And Pie. Mmmmm, Pie.

8. A GPS is at the top of my Christmas list. I have a good sense of direction, but apparently, I get lost easily. I know, shocking. Someone get on that, please.

9. I'm broke. A college student that has no money. Again, shocking. However, it's fairly new to me. I'm really used to having spending money. And NOT overdrafting my account once a month. Oops...

10. I'm a klutz. Ok, this one isn't new either, but I have sustained some new and colorful injuries at Drake, including, but not limited to: falling off my bed and hitting my leg on the dresser, re-spraining my ankle several times, acquiring rather severe abrasions on my elbow (being a fairy for Halloween does NOT make you graceful), and the most recent, breaking my toe via "abrupt contact with cement." At least that's what my chart at the hospital reads. I got an X-ray after kicking a curb with my bare foot whilst carrying a bunch of things from my car.

Cooooooooollege

Yay me! The first day was rather rough, a definitely emotional roller coaster filled with being friendless and missing my Mommy, but I'm feeling much better. I have a nice little friend base started, so that's good. My roommate, Christina, is pretty damn awesome. We had a nice loooong talk last night about our lives and experiences; pretty much just getting to know each other.

I did, however, re-sprain my ankle (very mildly luckily) while walking down the stairs today. I landed wrong on the last step and my foot suddenly wasn't there, so I laid on my back for awhile, got up, sat, had a ride on the ambulance-golf cart, wrapped it, and now I'm pretty sure I'm perfectly fine. Pretty much a lot of excitement for no reason.

But chea, other than that, so far, Drake is rocking my socks, so YAY!

Roooommie

My fears of a freak for a roommate have been proven erroneous. 

Name: Christina Guerrero.

Occupation: Roommate at Drake.

Position: Awesome.

So far, I have found nothing I don't like. She's a gamer, likes the same kind of music, plays guitar and bass, watches a lot of movies. It's a good time.

I'm pretty stoked.

TFLN

new favorite site: http://textsfromlastnight.com/

Some excerpts (the ones I literally laughed out loud about)

(951): ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am 

(707): last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.

my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion

(404): Ben's a prick.   (1-404): What Ben are you talking about?  (404): All the bens across all the lands

           with the comment :"Ha ha, that's the name I use for my one night stands with bar trash. Fantastic."

(224): Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'   (224): Im going to research this theory. . .

(713): How bad was it?  (1-713): You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth

(401): i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook   (1-401): you can....by speaking... 

(916): i think i have herpe   (1-916): just one? 

(850): Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.

(908): bl l w   (201): this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel

 And the best yet:

(309): Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile

A Song that No One Sings

One Month, One Day.

I am losing hope that things will get better when I get there.

In fact, I'm starting to believe I will fuck it up as badly as I've been fucking everything up lately. 

Everything I try to do falls apart. I can't even take tape of a freakin wall without failing miserably.

I think maybe I need to do the drugs again. I stopped for awhile. Can't remember why. I think I just kept forgetting and then quit trying to remember. Either way, something's not right and I need to do something different so I don't spiral as bad as last time.

All I feel like doing is crying. It seems like everything I do is wrong. I don't want to keep going like this. I can't keep going like this. I'm losing my will to do anything. All I can think about is what needs done, what I don't have, what I want, what I can't have.  It's killing me. 

I keep telling myself it will get better. I hope its not a lie.

Day by day

WELL It's getting closer. 37 days till move in and getting more and more anxious (in all senses of the word) every day. Still don't have any info on my roommate, should be coming soon though so I can start getting the stuff we still need. I did get an email from my PMAC (Peer Mentor and Academic Consultant) a couple days ago, and the OL's were right: we are going to get along really well. Right now, I'm afraid I'll want to be like actual friends and she'll think I'm an icky freshman. But we'll see. 

My godfather, Bob, and Lori and their son Robbie came out to see us as part of their summer vacation so they're here tonight. AKA I had to be in my room by 11 as to not keep the old geezer up :P SOooooo I'm going to watch movies and snack till I can actually fall asleep.

Land Ho!

Inbox: 78

Of those, 24 are Twitter. 

The rest are from my dad, Ben, and some random friend of the day. It rotates between Liz, Tyler, and Danielle.

I cannot wait for college just so I have friends again. I haven't seen anyone in ages, and when I do run into someone, I have to decide whether to try to avoid them or just go say hi.

This summer is most definitely the worst of my life. The weather sucks, I've been sick, and all I do is babysit and work. I want to do something fun.

I want to go on vacation, but I'm afraid to miss more work. 

No one invites me to do anything cool anymore.

I feel lame.

Actually, I'm sure I get invited to do more stuff than I think, but I don't feel like doing it.

I'm in a rut. Nothing sounds fun anymore. I keep saying to myself that it'll all be better in a month ( and a week and four days, if you note the counter) but that stupid little voice in my head says it'll all be one big disappointment and I won't be happy there either. It's telling me that something is missing but it won't tell me what it is.

I keep wondering if it's a boyfriend, but that can't be it. That's just the other little voice that's jealous of my friends because they're happy. 

A boy wouldn't make me happy. He would tie me down and just make me sad when I had to leave. 

Summer always moves fast. Except for this one. 

I have a feeling the last month of summer is going to drag on even longer than the last month of school did.

On a fun side note:

Hiking in Appalachia JUNE 27

1591 up, 346 down

To have an extramarrital affair. Stems from the disappearance and subsequent reappearance of South Carolina Governor, Mark Sanford(R). Gov. Sanford was thought to be hiking in Appalachia. In actuality, he was having an affair in the South American country of Argentina.

Girl, I just saw Susie's man hiking in Appalachia.

Its almost 4am.

I can't sleep.

I have a headache.

It really really hurts to yawn.

FML

It's Been Awhile

Well, I kinda forgot about this until I was cleaning out my bookmarks folder, which is a little sad. You'll be happy to know that the issue from that last post has been resolved. He realized how stupid he was and luckily his amazing girlfriend forgave him despite his extreme stupidity. We'll see how college tests them.

So, life was pretty damn good at first, and then I got sick. My throat was bothering me for months, but it was on and off. Then I started running a temp and my tonsils were the size of golfballs for two weeks, so they yanked em a week ago and I've been confined to the couch since. I'm sure it'll be good in the long run, but I'm feelin like complete shit right now.

Ummmm, JeriAnna is staying with us for the next weekish because Jake and Jonica decided to take a trip to Florida and didn't take her because she has summer school, so that's nice. It would normally be more fun for her, I think, but I'm sick and there for Aunt Nicole is no fun so the only upside for her is earning a few bucks helpin me watch Calvin and Malea. Dumb.

 

Really, I'm just excited for college. I really want to start. Move in August 19, classes start the 24th and I can't WAIT! Orientation was June 4-5 (I chose the earliest one to insure my classes) so I know my schedule for next year, and met a ton of really awesome people. Granted most of them were the upper level students who were just there to show us around, but at least my friends will already know what they're doing, right? =)

I'm taking an intro Journalism class at 8am required for all Jschool students, a Multi-media seminar, a FYS* called Space Matters, Honors Orientation, Astronomy, and Russian.

*the First Year Seminar is a requirement for all incoming first year students. There were 30? classes to pick one and rooming assignments are based on the class roster, SO I'm going to be on a floor with a bunch of nerds ;)

So, basically, I'm stoked beyond belief and the next month.5 can't move fast enough. I've already started packing stuff up.

Well, my sleep schedule is fucked due to sleeping all day, so it's just about my bedtime. 

My Patience is Growing Thin

Today was a good day.

I repeat, was.

Then I found out my friend cheat on his girlfriend.

Dumb.

I am very angry with him.

For MONTHS he has been ranting and raving about how much he loves her and how she's the best thing that has ever happened to him and how scared he is to go to college and risk losing her.

And then he makes out with the most slutty, nasty, bitchy girl in our class.

DOUCHE!

Sorry, there is no other word.

GRRRRRR.

Now I must go lose myself in YouTube videos.

OOOOK

Well luckily that bad mood wore off.

It was really suckish while it lasted though.

But tonight, all is good.

Maybe it was finding out that I got $21,700 IN SCHOLARSHIPS AND GRANTS!!!!!!!!!

That's 2/3 of my college cost. 

And that's just from the FASFA stuff.

I'm still in the running for quite a few local scholarships.

AND the rest can be covered through student loans and work study.

So that's good.

And musical practice went well today.

I really like when it goes well.

So yeah, good day. =)

Bad day again.

I guess its good.

It's been a while since I've had a really bad day, I think.

I feel like I'm in this alone.

Like no one really cares.

I know they do, at least people say they do, but they don't really act like it.

No one wants to do anything with me.

No one invites me to do anything.

When I actually have plans, they normally blow me off.

My texts go unanswered. 

It just seems to me that no one really wants me around.

I'm either in the way or just oblivious. 

For once, I'd like to feel like someone actually appreciates my presence, 

Not just feels obligated to have me around, 

Or needs me for something.

I'm so scared that I'll get stuck in the same situation next year.

I'm so tired of being the annoying girl that no one likes.

I don't want to change who I am, but no one seems to like who I am, including me.

I don't know what I have to do to make you like me.

What about me is so unacceptable that you can't stand to even be around me.

We used to be friends, and now you ignore me.

How the hell am I supposed to take that?

If I did something, tell me.

I just want to enjoy the next few months, but the possibility of that is rapidly becoming more bleak. 

Well, I guess I need to learn to Yoga on my own because I missed it again for the second week in a row. I woke up this morning with the mother of all migraines and opted to just skip out on school rather than being miserable. Sleeping all day and going to the chiro didn't help much, but hopefully sleeping for the rest of the night will.  

This is the first migraine I've had in quite a while though, so that's a good sign, right? Maybe my headaches are just my body's way of telling me that I need to take a day off. Yeah. Hopefully that's it.

On a brighter note, Casey will be here in less than 40 hours! Woot!  I haven't seen him since August and he's making the trip all the way out here just to hang out with me for a couple of days, so that's pretty awesome.

I miss him tons. Stupid distance. OH well.

I officially have senoritis. I have lost all motivation. It really sucks a lot. I'm not sure if I'm just really ready to move on or if all my hard work in the past 18 years has completely burnt me out. I really hope it wears off before next year. Flunking out of college is not a good option for me.

Either way, I really don't have time to ramble on and on tonight so wish me luck getting to sleep after sleeping in until about 1 p.m. today. =)

Yoga Is Amazing.

So I think I may have solved my issues.

I feel a little ridiculous.

I've done doctors and meds and blah blah blah.

But today, I was amazing. 

I woke up hours before I actually needed to be to school.

I finished up the homework I couldn't manage to finish last night.

It was nice.

My classes certainly tried to ruin my good day.

Journalism was horrible, as always.

For some reason, my choir director was in an extra bitchy mood today.

And I do NOT understand Econ. I need a tutor.

BUT I did Yoga. 

And that hour made my life better.

I haven't done it in SUCH a long time, and I feel so amazing afterwards.

I need to keep it up, even if it's only 10 minutes a day, or only a few days a week.

I just got to relax and put things in perspective and do something just for me for awhile.

It was amazing.

Ahh. 

I definitely need to find a good yoga studio in Des Moines.

F-Bomb	17 up, 28 down
	A word often used by teachers, old people and conservatives to replace the word "Fuck". "Oh my god Adrian, you dropped the F-Bomb. Now, I will be biased towards you and always take off a few extra points on your tests."

Mood Swings

They rock, don't they?

I have also decided that naps are a bad idea, because i'll sleep for an hour in the late afternoon/early evening and find it hard to sleep later, so it ends up being 1am and i'm sitll up making ridiculous Facebook videos and writing blogs.

YAY Internet!

Prozac

Welp, this shit sure ain't working.

What else ya got for me, Doc?

Thursday

So Thursday I went to the doctor.

She was awfully busy, so i didn't get to talk to her very much, but i did get to explain that I hadn't been feeling like myself lately and I hadn't really enjoyed life lately.  She asked me a couple questions and wanted to start me on Prozac, so I guess I'm trying that for a couple weeks.

I can't tell if it's doing anything, but it's only been four days.  I've been feeling a little better, anyway, now that I know it's not necessarily just me and something I need to get over. I'm learning that I need to get stuff off my chest regularly and not blame myself for everything. That definitely helped a lot.

Plus!! IT's FEBRUARY! that means less than four more months of high school! i am definitely excited about that. 

College stuff keeps coming. I got my tuition and housing deposits sent in, so that's good. My interview for the huge scholarship got moved to the 21st because State Large Group Speech Contest is on the same day I was supposed to have it, but it'll be the end of March before I know anything about that anyway.

Yearbook is going, well... it's going. I don't think it's going to be as magnificent as I was hoping, but I don't think it's going to completely suck either, which is all i can ask for at this point.

I don't think I've mentioned him yet, but James Taylor is a boy I met in November at Thespian Festival. We exchanged numbers, and we've been texting, only texting, but it's becoming more and more frequent. He's awesome. Great sense of music and books, but not overly annoying about it. He lives 45 miles away. Dumb.

I guess 45 is better than 150. He confuses me. He says some of the nicest stuff, but I think he's just like that. Grrr.

I guess I'll wait it out and hope I don't screw it up again.

New Definitions

Baby Goggles JANUARY 25

1581 up, 213 down

A phenomenon where the parents of an ugly baby think their baby is adorable and no one else does.

Nancy: Here's our little bundle of joy! Isn't she just the cutest thing ever?!? 
Lisa & Kate (after one look at Nancy's ugly baby): Ohhhh...! Yessss.... 
Lisa to Kate: I think Nancy has baby goggles - that's got to be the ugliest baby I've ever seen!

Well Then

So I found out today that my ex, Rily, has been talking to a friend of mine.

It shouldn't bother me, but it does. They met through me. They don't even really know each other. 

But still, they are going to go to a movie together with another couple friends of mine. Rily never ONCE went to a movie, not anything. We did things he wanted to do: snow boarding, hanging around at his house, family stuff, blah blah blah. All of it fun, but, well, only half of me. 

I think it's not so much that it's happening, but that I'm so bothered by it that hurts me. I shouldn't like him like that. He doesn't feel. He doesn't show love, he doesn't think about what I want to do, I don't think he knows what romance is. We tried and it definitely didn't work. 

But was it him, or was it me? Do I have some kind of ridiculous standards that no one can fill? I have broken up with pretty much all of the boys I've dated. Most of them had some serious flaws, but we're human. Who doesn't? I sure do.

Maybe since they were willing to give me a chance, I should have given them more of one?

Is that the lesson I'm supposed to have learned? Can I be happy for awhile now?

kthxbi JANUARY 19

3237 up, 1573 down

I understand. Your help in this matter has been greatly appreciated. However, with much regret and much haste, I must be departing from our conversation.

newb2342: da partiez @ 4, b there!!1 
lolz3r: kthxbi!!!!11

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hozie
	A mix between a hoe and a fluzie. Yo that girl is a hozie, she will give blumpkins for free

Self Help

As part of an effort to keep myself sane, I am going to start visiting www.urbandictionary.com and will probably post the funniest ones here.

To Start!

good talk JANUARY 2

6078 up, 748 down

A way to end a man-to-man conversation of personal feelings in a comfortable, heterosexual manner.

"Dude, I think my girl is cheating on me. What should I do?" 

"Dump that bitch." 

"Good talk."

Everything's Zen*

*Not so much Zen, as redundant and annoying. This isn't something I was planning on telling... well... anyone, but I need to write. I guess doing it on the internet where I know people might read it helps me keep goals because I can't pretend I never said it. If I say it here, I can't take it back, I can't say it didn't happen, I can't say they weren't real feelings.

I don't know how to start, so I guess I'll just say it: I don't remember the last time I really enjoyed myself.  Everything I've done for months, I've done because that's what I've always done. I did the play, tried out for Select Choir, my homework, improv, help direct the Jr High play, church choir, blah, blah, blah.  Even hanging out with my friends isn't fun. I smile and laugh, but it's empty. 

The closest I've come to actually feeling good was Saturday. I took Malea to Disney on Ice and she told me it was the best day of her life. That made it one of the best of mine. The night before, some friends came over after the one act, and I ended up sitting on the laundry room floor crying. Why? I couldn't say if I wanted to.  Mom and I had a conversation after that. I got some things off my chest, and I think that might have helped Saturday be a little better, but I still ended up completely relieved by my head hitting that pillow.

Even snow has lost its charm. It used to be magical. It used to make things happen. Now, all it brings is miserable snow days that I'd like to spend in bed, but can't. That's all I want to do anymore. Stay in bed, wrapped up under the covers.

Maybe it's Senioritis, a complete lack of motivation, a need to be out of this town, to move on with the next phase of my life. Maybe it's the shear redundancy, seeing the same people, doing the same things, having the same conversations. Maybe its more, maybe I need professional help. 

All I know is nothing is really fun. I'm not happy anymore. I'm annoyed by almost everything, literally. I hope I can figure this out soon. I'm giving up on just trying to get over it by myself. I've gotta do something different.

I really do love my sister and her kids, and I'm glad I can help...

But it would be nice to actually enjoy a snow day for once.

Here I go again.

Why do I put myself through this over and over again?

I may never know the answer.

But as I kiss the familiar lips that I have felt on mine so many times before, it doesn't seem to matter that deep down, I know that however much I may pine for him, it will never work. This strange force that seems to draw us together time and time again is never strong enough to counter that which keeps us from admitting that we both want to be more than we are or ever will be. Our complete bullheadedness that doesn't allow us to let each other in.

Maybe its the history. His were the first lips to ever touch mine.

Maybe its the chemistry, the way everything tingles at his slightest touch.

It might be the way we force each other to return to the past: we remind each other of a more innocent time, when love was a fairy tale and my hand in his was enough to satisfy every urge in our bodies.  A clean time, when we weren't afraid to have feelings, before we knew what love was, or how miserably a broken heart hurt.

Maybe this subconscious reminiscing conjures up the child-like behavior we exhibit only to each other.

I would love nothing more than to feel his arms around me.

At the same time, I resist his touch and deny his kind words.

Could it be that this is just part of our long journey together?

Or is this the end, that after all the past years and the next few months, we will never see each other again?

It is possible that after all we have been through, we will simply part with a few words.

Then again, it is possible that in the end, he will be the one to remove the chains I have locked around my heart because of him and every other one that proceeded him.