Everything's Zen*

*Not so much Zen, as redundant and annoying. This isn't something I was planning on telling... well... anyone, but I need to write. I guess doing it on the internet where I know people might read it helps me keep goals because I can't pretend I never said it. If I say it here, I can't take it back, I can't say it didn't happen, I can't say they weren't real feelings.

I don't know how to start, so I guess I'll just say it: I don't remember the last time I really enjoyed myself.  Everything I've done for months, I've done because that's what I've always done. I did the play, tried out for Select Choir, my homework, improv, help direct the Jr High play, church choir, blah, blah, blah.  Even hanging out with my friends isn't fun. I smile and laugh, but it's empty. 

The closest I've come to actually feeling good was Saturday. I took Malea to Disney on Ice and she told me it was the best day of her life. That made it one of the best of mine. The night before, some friends came over after the one act, and I ended up sitting on the laundry room floor crying. Why? I couldn't say if I wanted to.  Mom and I had a conversation after that. I got some things off my chest, and I think that might have helped Saturday be a little better, but I still ended up completely relieved by my head hitting that pillow.

Even snow has lost its charm. It used to be magical. It used to make things happen. Now, all it brings is miserable snow days that I'd like to spend in bed, but can't. That's all I want to do anymore. Stay in bed, wrapped up under the covers.

Maybe it's Senioritis, a complete lack of motivation, a need to be out of this town, to move on with the next phase of my life. Maybe it's the shear redundancy, seeing the same people, doing the same things, having the same conversations. Maybe its more, maybe I need professional help. 

All I know is nothing is really fun. I'm not happy anymore. I'm annoyed by almost everything, literally. I hope I can figure this out soon. I'm giving up on just trying to get over it by myself. I've gotta do something different.