Insomnia, Rain, and Banana Pancakes

I couldn't sleep last night. I'm not sure why. Maybe, it was the four hour nap I took when I got home last night. Perhaps, it was the thousands of random thoughts floating in my head. Feasibly, it was all the distractions the internet provides. Possibly it was the conversation with an amazing, old friend. Most likely, it was a combination of all those and more. In all reality, I blame iTunes and Spider Solitaire. I guess the nap probably didn't help either.

While up at all hours of the night, I did a little reading, some watching, quite a bit of listening, a chunk of writing, and massive amounts of thinking.

I don't know why I feel so incomplete. I shouldn't. This isn't meant to seem conceded, but I'm a pretty amazing person. I have worked very hard to become who I am. I have a lot of potential: right now, I could go into pretty much any field I choose, but somehow I feel lacking.

I have incredible friends, but so often it feels like they're too busy for me. They have their significant others, their jobs, their families; I guess I do, too. I shouldn't need it, but I do. I just wish I had that one person to share it all with. It's a different person every day, whoever is available for me to talk to. I fully appreciate them, don't get me wrong, I just miss having that one person to call when something unbelievable happens or when I'm having a really shitty day or I witness the most hilarious thing. Someone who loves me as much as I love them. Honestly, I've never had that. I've definitely been in love before, but I don't think they cared about me nearly as much as I did about them. I know someone has been in love with me, too, but I sadly couldn't love them.

I have one year, almost exactly, until everything I know changes. All the people I have known for years won't be there anymore. It's already changing. Danielle, my soul mate, the one person who as understood me completely, my sister, is moving across the state. For as long as I've known her, she's always been across the field. If I really needed her, all I had to do was call and say "Let's go for a walk" and after that, everything seemed better. Sure, we had our rough patch, and that was horrible, but it only made our relationship stronger. We've grown together. We've influenced each other's personalities so much that it's hard to tell where she stops and I begin. And in a few months, she'll be gone. Her family is moving, too. She says she's going to come back and visit, and I'm sure she will a few times, but then she'll get distracted. She'll have to work, she'll have class, she won't be able to afford the gas, we'll grow apart, before you know it, she'll be a memory from high school, an old friend I haven't seen in years.

It'll be the same with everyone else I know right now. More than likely, (apart from my family,) the people I know and love right now won't be part of my life in 10 years. I won't be alone, I know that. I'll make loads of new friends in college. I'll probably meet a guy and he'll become my life. I'll have a career and start a family and then my husband and kids will be my life. It just blows my mind to think about it. Right now, I can name at least five people who I owe my life to. I am them. They have molded me into who I am. They have supported me and driven me to be everything I want to be, and I can only hope I've done the same for them, yet eventually, I won't know them anymore. It completely terrifies me.

I'm a child for four more months. I have four months before I'm an adult. I have 12 before I have to put everything I've learned into practice. For the first time in my whole life, I'm going to have to share a room with someone. I'm not going to have a whole house to spread my life around. I'm going to have a room. Maybe two if I get a suite. I'll always have Mom and Dad's house, but it won't really be my home anymore. This town won't be my life anymore. This house won't be mine anymore. It'll be my parents.

Maybe that's why I couldn't sleep.

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I went outside this morning, and it had been raining. Not a heavy rain, just a shower. It was still just barely sprinkling. The grass was damp. The sidewalk was dark. The sky was a gorgeous shade of grey. The air was fresh. It's my favorite, the time right after it rains. Every color is deeper, richer. The air smells new. The sounds of life surround me in a blanket of security. I walked to then end of the driveway because there's always a great big puddle there after it rains. As I stepped in it, mud squished in between my toes and suddenly I was five years old again. I made footprints and splashed a little, watching my puddle ripple. A car turning the corner behind me brought me back, and I realized how ridiculous I must look: a teenager in shorts and a sweatshirt playing in mud puddles at six thirty in the morning. I turned to walk back to the house and stopped to take another amazing breath of the fresh morning air and realized that its exactly what's happening in my life right now.

Then I went inside, made myself some delicious banana pancakes, and ignored the world for awhile.

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My life is a rainstorm. It shouldn't be scary, but sometimes it is. I shouldn't worry about losing my friends because even if we grow apart and lose touch, I'll always have them. I'll always be them. It's a brand new chance. But I still will miss them. It's a new day. My senior year, I better make the most of it, but I don't have to. I know the people I spend it with will be ingrained in my memory forever. But, then again, if it's horrible I have a new chance to have fun. I have college. I have my whole life.

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I hope I end up being everything I want to be.

I hope I end up happy.

I think I need to sleep on it.