What are you waiting for, A Certain shade of green?

this is really weird.
I'm not sure I've ever gone this long without having a crush before.
Well, not since sixth grade when I actually started liking boys.
(AHH MAN! Any other boy blog? Crap. Well to you I say, Shut Up! ;) )

It seems like I always have a thing, at least a little one, for at least one boy.
Always.
Right now, nothing.
No one, I should say.
It's really weird.
It's been like this for a few months now.
There is no prospects.
No one I'm even remotely interested in.
There's no one even eligible.

I'm not sure what it means yet.
I keep telling myself it's so I'll be available when the right person comes along,
That God is sending someone my way, and this way I'll be ready,
But no one is here yet.

I've been keeping my eyes open, considering people I never have before,
Nope.
Nothing there.

There's always that I'm just supposed to be alone right now,
Nothing wrong with that.
And it's very true.
I like being single.
I can be who I want,
Where I want,
When I want,
and not have to worry that it's going to make my boyfriend mad.

But I feel so alone.
I have AMAZING friends, but there's a missing thing there.
When something amazing happens, there's no one that I automatically want to tell.
If I have a spare hour when I'm bored, no one immediately comes to mind to call.
Who do I invite to a Hawks game or a cousin's wedding or a school dance?
Yeah, my amazing friends, but it's just different.
And most of my friends have significant others.
They have their boyfriends or their girlfriends,
so at the end of the night, they want to be with them.
I completely understand that, but where does it leave me?
Alone at home with a book or the remote.

I'm just not sure what to do anymore.
Yeah, there's college.
I'm sure to meet TONS of new people there.
Friends.
More than friends...
But that's 10 months from now.

I love her dearly, but I don't want to bring Danielle to Prom.
I want to have all the fun senior memories.
I'd love to go on a first date.
I'm just out of people.
Grrrr.

Ahh, the Power of Queso..

WELP,
Time for an update I suppose.

Life is busy for me right now.
GO GO GO GO GO GO GO!
So tonight is nice.
No homework.
No immediate commitments.
Nothing needs done for tomorrow.
This is nice...

Have you ever seen Across the Universe?
You should.
It's amazing.
I watched it last night, so I had Beatles stuck in my head all day.
Not a bad thing at ALL!

Ooo, something does need done.
I need to read a play.
We're doing a Jr. High play again this year, and I'm co-directing.
Oh well, it can wait for a few minutes.
It's two pages long, so it'll take about half a second to read.

Tomorrow, the Beaver Tale editor, our advisor, and myself get to visit with the principal (who is NOT my pal right now) about the new editorial policy Dylan (BT Editor) drew up.
For some reason, our administrator thinks he has the right to edit our student publications all he wants, which is illegal in this great state of Iowa.
So I'm super glad I about getting yelled at for an hour.
Should be fun times.

Ooo!
Haunted housing was fun.
A group of us went Saturday night after the Hawkeye game in which we KILLED Wisconsin.
That was awesome.
We are a goofy bunch, let me tell you.

I need a laptop.
Any suggestions?
I'm leaning toward Apple, even though they're hellaciously expensive.
I've heard they're good for photo editing, and the whole journalism department at Drake uses Apple.
Let me know if this is a horrible idea or a great one.

Technology.

Welp, it's official.
Anything electronic hates me.
It's a shock I can even type this right now, I'm a little concerned the keyboard is going to blow up mid-word.
My new phone, the keyboard keeps sucking.
The letters either stick so I get ddoouubbllee letters or they don't work so I get letters.
OR the Back key sticks so I have to
OR the Back key sticks so I have to start all over again.
It's stupid.

AND my iPod.
I've made two calls in two days to the apple help line.
I've restored it something like 10 times now sinces Monday.
(Made it "like new" by wiping it clean.)
I'm SOOOO pissed.

Even the remote flew out of my hand and ended up in pieces earlier.
Grrr.

On a better note, Homecoming week has be AMAZING!
The funniest things have happened.
Brad Garrett dressed up like a woman for the senior football mom skit.
Old People/Teacher day was the best idea EVER!
We had toilets on our senior float. (Then dispensed them around town....)
The game is looking promising, and I'm bringing my Danielle to the dance, so it's going to be a blast too.
Wooo Hooo!

I'm such a dork.

*sigh*

So my uncle died.
My mom's brother, he was only 53.
We all were scared to hear how.
He had been going through a pretty rough patch in his life.
I won't lie, Suicide was the first thing to pop into my head.
But, as horrible as it sounds, luckily it was a heart attack.

Now I'm in Waulkegan, his visitation was last night.
I was ok until my cousin Brandon cried. We were standing next to each other, and he just lost it.
Afterwards, he looked up at me angrily, "You made me cry!"
"Nuh uh! You made ME cry!"
Sibling rivalry. :)

Ok, so family rundown.
I was a "surprise" so all of my cousins are at least 6 years younger or older than me.
ALL of them.
SO, at all family gatherings, I get picked on.
On Dad's side, the bigger ones pick on me.
On Mom's side, I play distraction for the younger ones.
It used to be fun, painful, but fun.
But I've gotten older, so being piled with pillows and used as a punching bag is no longer my idea of a fun time.
I told you all that to tell you this:
My younger cousin, Kayla, told me yesterday that I'm not fun anymore.
THAT was a punch in the face.
But, ya know, now it's their turn.
The older ones can teach the younger ones all that I taught them,
Everything my older cousins taught me.
I guess it's just been a reflextionary couple of days.

Ooo! Also, my other Uncle John told me that my cousin really enjoys reading my blog.
I didn't know she even did, so that was exciting.
At first, I was a little embarrased because I'm rather...Colorful with it sometimes, but oh well!

On the boy front, I'm thinking about asking my friend Chris to Homecoming.
He's from New London, so it's kind of a drive, but I've gone down there a couple times, so he owes me a trip or two.
Liz thinks it would be a TON of fun, but if all else fails, there's still Danielle and that would be a BLAST!!

Something else....hmmm
OH yeah!
Yearbook.
I thought it was going to be good, the staff at least.
I really didn't think we were going to have any problems.
WRONG!
A bunch of junior girls who don't listen and talk ALL THE TIME!
This is some important stuff we're trying to do, and all they care about is what they think.
Too bad none of it is useful or makes sense at all...
GUEOIUGHA:KJLIVJLKEA
On the bright side, I got the ladder done.
Margo (my advisor) has been on my back about that sinse the beginning of the year.
And they'll have last year's books out today, so thats exciting.
Now we'll just have to field complains about something we can't change and had nothing to do with.
Great.

But I'm over it
lol


Ok, enough for now.

WTF, Mate!

Courtesy of Dictionary.com

No results found for hors d'ouvres:

Did you mean pestiferous?


Why yes, I did.
Thanks Dictionary.com!
What would I ever do without you?

*Sniff*

Welp,
It's 1am.
I'm sick.
I've been home for the past two days.
I have to work tomorrow at 7am.
As my luck goes, of course, I can't sleep.
So I write.

I'm breaking up with Steve tomorrow.
I don't mind being friends with him, I hope we can keep that up,
but he's too serious too fast.
He told me he was falling in love with me the other day.
I've only known him for a month.

Plus, I'm just kinda confused right now.
I don't really know what I want.
It's senior year, and I definitely don't want to be tied down,
esp to someone I don't really like that much. LOL

I wish I could breathe.
Breathing is nice.

My article on the parking lot is going to run on the front page of The Beaver Tale.
Thats exciting!
Not so exciting: someone screwed up all the staffs plans and told everyone that the yearbooks are in, so we can't do the release party like we planned.
The staff is already pissing me off.
I think I'm going to kill someone by the end of the year.

Oo! more news.
I found a date for homecoming, maybe.
I asked Danielle if she'd go with me, and she said yes!
I'm not making that definite yet, in case a boy asks me, but Danielle and I would have too much fun with it, so it'll be a blast either way. :)

Brian Regan's new special is on tomorrow.
I am PSYCHED!
He's probably my new favorite comedian.

Ok, well thats all the random shit I can think of right now.
I'll have more later.

Life is truely a bitch.

Nic Peterson died.
20 years old, riding on his motorcycle,
Dead.
That was like a bus hitting me.
Josh is in my class.
Watching him suffer through school today was god awful.
Seeing all of my big tough football guy friends cry,
My heart hurt after that.
Tomorrow is his memorial service.
Thats going to suck too.

Why do bad things have to happen to good people?
Nic was always nice.
He treated everyone like a friend.
He was this amazing kid with so much potential, but now, just gone.

I know everything is by His plan, but sometimes I wonder how this could ever be part of anything Divine?
Nic didn't deserve this.

-------------------------------------------------------

On a side note, for my devoted readers, two updates:

Prom and Grad WILL be in the yearbook. The deadline for the supplement that goes in the back is June 1st, so we'll hand out the books in May, and send out the supplements next Sept. Everything is good now.

Also, for my big sisters who worry, Steve is nothing serious, just another experience under my belt. --Everyone's got to have that musician type, right?-- I'm leaving for college in less than a year (getting closer every day). I know this. He knows this. We're just hanging out and having fun. And it's not just him. I've met some great people before him and through him. For once, I don't feel like a tag along. I'm Nicole. Their friend, not Liz's friend, not Danielle's friend, not Lew's little cousin, not someone who found out about the party and showed up even though they didn't really want her there, I'm Nicole. They invite me on purpose, not because they feel obligated.

It's nice to fell really wanted by a whole group of people. I'm not sure I've ever really had that before.

It's Been Awhile

So schools not horrible...
Actually, the first couple days were REALLY boring.
My stats class might not happen (it's a college class and they can't find anyone to teach it) so nothing happened that block.
Journalism was nothing but talk about goals and shit.
Choir was...well...choir.
and Then open block which I couldn't leave because I just got the permission slip that day.
Next day, Painting and Drawing and Mrs Budding wasn't there so we did a book assignment.
Mentoring which I also couldn't do because of the permission slip thing.
Government...not horribly boring but a lot of introduction stuff.
Lastly, Physics. Again, intro stuff.

However, it was nice to see everyone again. I didn't realize how much I missed everyone.

Another update:

New boy.
His name's Steve. Just turned 20. He's a badass.
Well, not really. He got into some bad shit in high school, but knows how stupid it all was, and now he has his own place and he starts a new job tomorrow (at 11.50 an hour!!).
I'm actually really proud of him for doing as well as he does. His parents aren't great, never had good influences. It seems he wants to do better though. He has potential, he just needs encouragement.

Mom and Dad met him the other day. It was a very casual thing. They were in the beer tent and we went by to say hi because mom's old friend Carol was there and she wanted to see me all growed up. It was good times.

So there we go. Not much else new.

Oh, my hair is brown and purple now. HA!
A few thick purple streaks and the rest is light brown. I love it!

Ok all for now. later

The Boys of Summer

Uhhhh

I hate being busy.

Having money is great and all, and I really don't mind working, but it just eats my time. I worked Sunday and Monday, Tuesday I babysat and went to see Jessica in the hospital (More on that later), today I babysit and have a bonfire to go to so I can see everyone before they head to college AND its my friends birthday and he has no plans so I'm hanging out with him, tomorrow, I babysit AND work AND have a journalism party- at my house. I was supposed to have Friday off, but my manager has plans, so she asked me to fill in for her. And Saturday, I'm going to Aunt Judy's for a "silly girl's lunch" so there's basically my whole week. I hate having plans. I'd rather just be spontaneous.

I'm not complaining, I know it's my own fault for booking myself up. I guess it's part of growing up. I miss past summers when I just hung out with my friends, spent the night at people's houses all the time, didn't really have any plans. School starts in just a couple weeks, and I'm so scared its going to get insane again.

Bleh.

One of those girls who...

... needs a boy to be happy.
...gets lonely so easily.
...has to look in the mirror at every chance.
...always worries about how she looks.
...checks out every guy she sees.
...secretly hopes any boy is checking her out.
...dates people she's not really interested in because she's lonely.
...moves too quickly.
...likes someone too soon.
...can't feel good about herself.
...just wants to feel pretty.
...doesn't believe it when people tell her she is pretty.
...has no self control.
...complains but does nothing about it.
...drowns her boredom and loneliness in food.
...feels fat.
...feels ugly.
...hates herself.
...cries to herself.
...can't stop.
...feels stupid.
...wants all her friends to set her up.
...hopes it'll get better later.
...knows it won't ever get better.
...I always mocked.
...I always swore I wouldn't be.
...I am.