A Song that No One Sings

One Month, One Day.

I am losing hope that things will get better when I get there.

In fact, I'm starting to believe I will fuck it up as badly as I've been fucking everything up lately. 

Everything I try to do falls apart. I can't even take tape of a freakin wall without failing miserably.

I think maybe I need to do the drugs again. I stopped for awhile. Can't remember why. I think I just kept forgetting and then quit trying to remember. Either way, something's not right and I need to do something different so I don't spiral as bad as last time.

All I feel like doing is crying. It seems like everything I do is wrong. I don't want to keep going like this. I can't keep going like this. I'm losing my will to do anything. All I can think about is what needs done, what I don't have, what I want, what I can't have.  It's killing me. 

I keep telling myself it will get better. I hope its not a lie.

Day by day

WELL It's getting closer. 37 days till move in and getting more and more anxious (in all senses of the word) every day. Still don't have any info on my roommate, should be coming soon though so I can start getting the stuff we still need. I did get an email from my PMAC (Peer Mentor and Academic Consultant) a couple days ago, and the OL's were right: we are going to get along really well. Right now, I'm afraid I'll want to be like actual friends and she'll think I'm an icky freshman. But we'll see. 

My godfather, Bob, and Lori and their son Robbie came out to see us as part of their summer vacation so they're here tonight. AKA I had to be in my room by 11 as to not keep the old geezer up :P SOooooo I'm going to watch movies and snack till I can actually fall asleep.

Land Ho!

Inbox: 78

Of those, 24 are Twitter. 

The rest are from my dad, Ben, and some random friend of the day. It rotates between Liz, Tyler, and Danielle.

I cannot wait for college just so I have friends again. I haven't seen anyone in ages, and when I do run into someone, I have to decide whether to try to avoid them or just go say hi.

This summer is most definitely the worst of my life. The weather sucks, I've been sick, and all I do is babysit and work. I want to do something fun.

I want to go on vacation, but I'm afraid to miss more work. 

No one invites me to do anything cool anymore.

I feel lame.

Actually, I'm sure I get invited to do more stuff than I think, but I don't feel like doing it.

I'm in a rut. Nothing sounds fun anymore. I keep saying to myself that it'll all be better in a month ( and a week and four days, if you note the counter) but that stupid little voice in my head says it'll all be one big disappointment and I won't be happy there either. It's telling me that something is missing but it won't tell me what it is.

I keep wondering if it's a boyfriend, but that can't be it. That's just the other little voice that's jealous of my friends because they're happy. 

A boy wouldn't make me happy. He would tie me down and just make me sad when I had to leave. 

Summer always moves fast. Except for this one. 

I have a feeling the last month of summer is going to drag on even longer than the last month of school did.

On a fun side note:

Hiking in Appalachia JUNE 27

1591 up, 346 down

To have an extramarrital affair. Stems from the disappearance and subsequent reappearance of South Carolina Governor, Mark Sanford(R). Gov. Sanford was thought to be hiking in Appalachia. In actuality, he was having an affair in the South American country of Argentina.

Girl, I just saw Susie's man hiking in Appalachia.

Its almost 4am.

I can't sleep.

I have a headache.

It really really hurts to yawn.

FML

It's Been Awhile

Well, I kinda forgot about this until I was cleaning out my bookmarks folder, which is a little sad. You'll be happy to know that the issue from that last post has been resolved. He realized how stupid he was and luckily his amazing girlfriend forgave him despite his extreme stupidity. We'll see how college tests them.

So, life was pretty damn good at first, and then I got sick. My throat was bothering me for months, but it was on and off. Then I started running a temp and my tonsils were the size of golfballs for two weeks, so they yanked em a week ago and I've been confined to the couch since. I'm sure it'll be good in the long run, but I'm feelin like complete shit right now.

Ummmm, JeriAnna is staying with us for the next weekish because Jake and Jonica decided to take a trip to Florida and didn't take her because she has summer school, so that's nice. It would normally be more fun for her, I think, but I'm sick and there for Aunt Nicole is no fun so the only upside for her is earning a few bucks helpin me watch Calvin and Malea. Dumb.

 

Really, I'm just excited for college. I really want to start. Move in August 19, classes start the 24th and I can't WAIT! Orientation was June 4-5 (I chose the earliest one to insure my classes) so I know my schedule for next year, and met a ton of really awesome people. Granted most of them were the upper level students who were just there to show us around, but at least my friends will already know what they're doing, right? =)

I'm taking an intro Journalism class at 8am required for all Jschool students, a Multi-media seminar, a FYS* called Space Matters, Honors Orientation, Astronomy, and Russian.

*the First Year Seminar is a requirement for all incoming first year students. There were 30? classes to pick one and rooming assignments are based on the class roster, SO I'm going to be on a floor with a bunch of nerds ;)

So, basically, I'm stoked beyond belief and the next month.5 can't move fast enough. I've already started packing stuff up.

Well, my sleep schedule is fucked due to sleeping all day, so it's just about my bedtime. 

My Patience is Growing Thin

Today was a good day.

I repeat, was.

Then I found out my friend cheat on his girlfriend.

Dumb.

I am very angry with him.

For MONTHS he has been ranting and raving about how much he loves her and how she's the best thing that has ever happened to him and how scared he is to go to college and risk losing her.

And then he makes out with the most slutty, nasty, bitchy girl in our class.

DOUCHE!

Sorry, there is no other word.

GRRRRRR.

Now I must go lose myself in YouTube videos.

OOOOK

Well luckily that bad mood wore off.

It was really suckish while it lasted though.

But tonight, all is good.

Maybe it was finding out that I got $21,700 IN SCHOLARSHIPS AND GRANTS!!!!!!!!!

That's 2/3 of my college cost. 

And that's just from the FASFA stuff.

I'm still in the running for quite a few local scholarships.

AND the rest can be covered through student loans and work study.

So that's good.

And musical practice went well today.

I really like when it goes well.

So yeah, good day. =)

Bad day again.

I guess its good.

It's been a while since I've had a really bad day, I think.

I feel like I'm in this alone.

Like no one really cares.

I know they do, at least people say they do, but they don't really act like it.

No one wants to do anything with me.

No one invites me to do anything.

When I actually have plans, they normally blow me off.

My texts go unanswered. 

It just seems to me that no one really wants me around.

I'm either in the way or just oblivious. 

For once, I'd like to feel like someone actually appreciates my presence, 

Not just feels obligated to have me around, 

Or needs me for something.

I'm so scared that I'll get stuck in the same situation next year.

I'm so tired of being the annoying girl that no one likes.

I don't want to change who I am, but no one seems to like who I am, including me.

I don't know what I have to do to make you like me.

What about me is so unacceptable that you can't stand to even be around me.

We used to be friends, and now you ignore me.

How the hell am I supposed to take that?

If I did something, tell me.

I just want to enjoy the next few months, but the possibility of that is rapidly becoming more bleak. 

Well, I guess I need to learn to Yoga on my own because I missed it again for the second week in a row. I woke up this morning with the mother of all migraines and opted to just skip out on school rather than being miserable. Sleeping all day and going to the chiro didn't help much, but hopefully sleeping for the rest of the night will.  

This is the first migraine I've had in quite a while though, so that's a good sign, right? Maybe my headaches are just my body's way of telling me that I need to take a day off. Yeah. Hopefully that's it.

On a brighter note, Casey will be here in less than 40 hours! Woot!  I haven't seen him since August and he's making the trip all the way out here just to hang out with me for a couple of days, so that's pretty awesome.

I miss him tons. Stupid distance. OH well.

I officially have senoritis. I have lost all motivation. It really sucks a lot. I'm not sure if I'm just really ready to move on or if all my hard work in the past 18 years has completely burnt me out. I really hope it wears off before next year. Flunking out of college is not a good option for me.

Either way, I really don't have time to ramble on and on tonight so wish me luck getting to sleep after sleeping in until about 1 p.m. today. =)