Here I go again.

Why do I put myself through this over and over again?

I may never know the answer.

But as I kiss the familiar lips that I have felt on mine so many times before, it doesn't seem to matter that deep down, I know that however much I may pine for him, it will never work. This strange force that seems to draw us together time and time again is never strong enough to counter that which keeps us from admitting that we both want to be more than we are or ever will be. Our complete bullheadedness that doesn't allow us to let each other in.

Maybe its the history. His were the first lips to ever touch mine.

Maybe its the chemistry, the way everything tingles at his slightest touch.

It might be the way we force each other to return to the past: we remind each other of a more innocent time, when love was a fairy tale and my hand in his was enough to satisfy every urge in our bodies.  A clean time, when we weren't afraid to have feelings, before we knew what love was, or how miserably a broken heart hurt.

Maybe this subconscious reminiscing conjures up the child-like behavior we exhibit only to each other.

I would love nothing more than to feel his arms around me.

At the same time, I resist his touch and deny his kind words.

Could it be that this is just part of our long journey together?

Or is this the end, that after all the past years and the next few months, we will never see each other again?

It is possible that after all we have been through, we will simply part with a few words.

Then again, it is possible that in the end, he will be the one to remove the chains I have locked around my heart because of him and every other one that proceeded him.

It's almost midnight.

Again.

For some reason, I can't sleep anymore.

I'm so burnt out.

Every thing feels so dead.

Things I used to get so excited about barely coax a smile.

People that used to make me laugh for hours do nothing.

I try so hard to be optimistic:

"Things will change!.. Everything will be different when you get out of Wilton...

College will be so much better than this"

But will it?

Or is it me.

It  has to be.

Other people enjoy high school.

Other people enjoy their lives.

I've tried so hard to not get caught up in the crap.

I wanted my senior year to be the best.

I tried to do things I wanted to do.

They all ended up being horrible.

This is stupid.

Why do I put myself through this.

Maybe this is why no one will ever want me...

--Beer Fridge-->

I'm going to brag.
I did AWESOME on my ACT retake.
30 Baby!
So now I'm up for a major scholarship through Drake.
I still haven't heard from them.
I know I shouldn't worry, but I can't help it.
I'm ...
I don't even know what I am any more.
I'm tired and lonely and bored and frustrated.
I'm not enjoying this year at all.
Senior year was supposed to be the best.
All my friends either moved away or are busy.
I'm busy. There's too much stuff to do.
Year book is sucking. No one does their job.
I don't know what to do anymore.
We're way late for our deadline already.
I'm going through this year one day at a time, just waiting for the end to come.
I keep telling myself that I'm ready for college,
that this year sucks because I'm stuck in this stage and ready for the next,
But what if I'm not.
What if I get to college, and I'm lost.
What if I make no new friends.
What if I suck it up in all my classes.
What if I let everyone down.
I don't know how I'm ever going to pay for it.
Forget about tuition, what about food?
Going out with friends? if I find any friends...
God I hate this.
I hate doubting myself.
I really hate the reason why.
I'm lonely.
I'm lonely because there isn't a guy in my life.
I'm supposed to be stronger than that.
Look at all the wonderful women in my life,
The incredibly beautiful, and talented, and strong women.
Why can't I be more like them?
This is stupid.
This isn't who I'm supposed to be.
I'm going to let everyone down.
I'm going to let myself down,
But I don't know what to do about it.
I can't even find words to describe what I'm feeling.
Yeah, I'm going to make a freakin great writer someday...

What are you waiting for, A Certain shade of green?

this is really weird.
I'm not sure I've ever gone this long without having a crush before.
Well, not since sixth grade when I actually started liking boys.
(AHH MAN! Any other boy blog? Crap. Well to you I say, Shut Up! ;) )

It seems like I always have a thing, at least a little one, for at least one boy.
Always.
Right now, nothing.
No one, I should say.
It's really weird.
It's been like this for a few months now.
There is no prospects.
No one I'm even remotely interested in.
There's no one even eligible.

I'm not sure what it means yet.
I keep telling myself it's so I'll be available when the right person comes along,
That God is sending someone my way, and this way I'll be ready,
But no one is here yet.

I've been keeping my eyes open, considering people I never have before,
Nope.
Nothing there.

There's always that I'm just supposed to be alone right now,
Nothing wrong with that.
And it's very true.
I like being single.
I can be who I want,
Where I want,
When I want,
and not have to worry that it's going to make my boyfriend mad.

But I feel so alone.
I have AMAZING friends, but there's a missing thing there.
When something amazing happens, there's no one that I automatically want to tell.
If I have a spare hour when I'm bored, no one immediately comes to mind to call.
Who do I invite to a Hawks game or a cousin's wedding or a school dance?
Yeah, my amazing friends, but it's just different.
And most of my friends have significant others.
They have their boyfriends or their girlfriends,
so at the end of the night, they want to be with them.
I completely understand that, but where does it leave me?
Alone at home with a book or the remote.

I'm just not sure what to do anymore.
Yeah, there's college.
I'm sure to meet TONS of new people there.
Friends.
More than friends...
But that's 10 months from now.

I love her dearly, but I don't want to bring Danielle to Prom.
I want to have all the fun senior memories.
I'd love to go on a first date.
I'm just out of people.
Grrrr.

Ahh, the Power of Queso..

WELP,
Time for an update I suppose.

Life is busy for me right now.
GO GO GO GO GO GO GO!
So tonight is nice.
No homework.
No immediate commitments.
Nothing needs done for tomorrow.
This is nice...

Have you ever seen Across the Universe?
You should.
It's amazing.
I watched it last night, so I had Beatles stuck in my head all day.
Not a bad thing at ALL!

Ooo, something does need done.
I need to read a play.
We're doing a Jr. High play again this year, and I'm co-directing.
Oh well, it can wait for a few minutes.
It's two pages long, so it'll take about half a second to read.

Tomorrow, the Beaver Tale editor, our advisor, and myself get to visit with the principal (who is NOT my pal right now) about the new editorial policy Dylan (BT Editor) drew up.
For some reason, our administrator thinks he has the right to edit our student publications all he wants, which is illegal in this great state of Iowa.
So I'm super glad I about getting yelled at for an hour.
Should be fun times.

Ooo!
Haunted housing was fun.
A group of us went Saturday night after the Hawkeye game in which we KILLED Wisconsin.
That was awesome.
We are a goofy bunch, let me tell you.

I need a laptop.
Any suggestions?
I'm leaning toward Apple, even though they're hellaciously expensive.
I've heard they're good for photo editing, and the whole journalism department at Drake uses Apple.
Let me know if this is a horrible idea or a great one.

Technology.

Welp, it's official.
Anything electronic hates me.
It's a shock I can even type this right now, I'm a little concerned the keyboard is going to blow up mid-word.
My new phone, the keyboard keeps sucking.
The letters either stick so I get ddoouubbllee letters or they don't work so I get letters.
OR the Back key sticks so I have to
OR the Back key sticks so I have to start all over again.
It's stupid.

AND my iPod.
I've made two calls in two days to the apple help line.
I've restored it something like 10 times now sinces Monday.
(Made it "like new" by wiping it clean.)
I'm SOOOO pissed.

Even the remote flew out of my hand and ended up in pieces earlier.
Grrr.

On a better note, Homecoming week has be AMAZING!
The funniest things have happened.
Brad Garrett dressed up like a woman for the senior football mom skit.
Old People/Teacher day was the best idea EVER!
We had toilets on our senior float. (Then dispensed them around town....)
The game is looking promising, and I'm bringing my Danielle to the dance, so it's going to be a blast too.
Wooo Hooo!

I'm such a dork.

*sigh*

So my uncle died.
My mom's brother, he was only 53.
We all were scared to hear how.
He had been going through a pretty rough patch in his life.
I won't lie, Suicide was the first thing to pop into my head.
But, as horrible as it sounds, luckily it was a heart attack.

Now I'm in Waulkegan, his visitation was last night.
I was ok until my cousin Brandon cried. We were standing next to each other, and he just lost it.
Afterwards, he looked up at me angrily, "You made me cry!"
"Nuh uh! You made ME cry!"
Sibling rivalry. :)

Ok, so family rundown.
I was a "surprise" so all of my cousins are at least 6 years younger or older than me.
ALL of them.
SO, at all family gatherings, I get picked on.
On Dad's side, the bigger ones pick on me.
On Mom's side, I play distraction for the younger ones.
It used to be fun, painful, but fun.
But I've gotten older, so being piled with pillows and used as a punching bag is no longer my idea of a fun time.
I told you all that to tell you this:
My younger cousin, Kayla, told me yesterday that I'm not fun anymore.
THAT was a punch in the face.
But, ya know, now it's their turn.
The older ones can teach the younger ones all that I taught them,
Everything my older cousins taught me.
I guess it's just been a reflextionary couple of days.

Ooo! Also, my other Uncle John told me that my cousin really enjoys reading my blog.
I didn't know she even did, so that was exciting.
At first, I was a little embarrased because I'm rather...Colorful with it sometimes, but oh well!

On the boy front, I'm thinking about asking my friend Chris to Homecoming.
He's from New London, so it's kind of a drive, but I've gone down there a couple times, so he owes me a trip or two.
Liz thinks it would be a TON of fun, but if all else fails, there's still Danielle and that would be a BLAST!!

Something else....hmmm
OH yeah!
Yearbook.
I thought it was going to be good, the staff at least.
I really didn't think we were going to have any problems.
WRONG!
A bunch of junior girls who don't listen and talk ALL THE TIME!
This is some important stuff we're trying to do, and all they care about is what they think.
Too bad none of it is useful or makes sense at all...
GUEOIUGHA:KJLIVJLKEA
On the bright side, I got the ladder done.
Margo (my advisor) has been on my back about that sinse the beginning of the year.
And they'll have last year's books out today, so thats exciting.
Now we'll just have to field complains about something we can't change and had nothing to do with.
Great.

But I'm over it
lol


Ok, enough for now.

WTF, Mate!

Courtesy of Dictionary.com

No results found for hors d'ouvres:

Did you mean pestiferous?


Why yes, I did.
Thanks Dictionary.com!
What would I ever do without you?

*Sniff*

Welp,
It's 1am.
I'm sick.
I've been home for the past two days.
I have to work tomorrow at 7am.
As my luck goes, of course, I can't sleep.
So I write.

I'm breaking up with Steve tomorrow.
I don't mind being friends with him, I hope we can keep that up,
but he's too serious too fast.
He told me he was falling in love with me the other day.
I've only known him for a month.

Plus, I'm just kinda confused right now.
I don't really know what I want.
It's senior year, and I definitely don't want to be tied down,
esp to someone I don't really like that much. LOL

I wish I could breathe.
Breathing is nice.

My article on the parking lot is going to run on the front page of The Beaver Tale.
Thats exciting!
Not so exciting: someone screwed up all the staffs plans and told everyone that the yearbooks are in, so we can't do the release party like we planned.
The staff is already pissing me off.
I think I'm going to kill someone by the end of the year.

Oo! more news.
I found a date for homecoming, maybe.
I asked Danielle if she'd go with me, and she said yes!
I'm not making that definite yet, in case a boy asks me, but Danielle and I would have too much fun with it, so it'll be a blast either way. :)

Brian Regan's new special is on tomorrow.
I am PSYCHED!
He's probably my new favorite comedian.

Ok, well thats all the random shit I can think of right now.
I'll have more later.

Life is truely a bitch.

Nic Peterson died.
20 years old, riding on his motorcycle,
Dead.
That was like a bus hitting me.
Josh is in my class.
Watching him suffer through school today was god awful.
Seeing all of my big tough football guy friends cry,
My heart hurt after that.
Tomorrow is his memorial service.
Thats going to suck too.

Why do bad things have to happen to good people?
Nic was always nice.
He treated everyone like a friend.
He was this amazing kid with so much potential, but now, just gone.

I know everything is by His plan, but sometimes I wonder how this could ever be part of anything Divine?
Nic didn't deserve this.

-------------------------------------------------------

On a side note, for my devoted readers, two updates:

Prom and Grad WILL be in the yearbook. The deadline for the supplement that goes in the back is June 1st, so we'll hand out the books in May, and send out the supplements next Sept. Everything is good now.

Also, for my big sisters who worry, Steve is nothing serious, just another experience under my belt. --Everyone's got to have that musician type, right?-- I'm leaving for college in less than a year (getting closer every day). I know this. He knows this. We're just hanging out and having fun. And it's not just him. I've met some great people before him and through him. For once, I don't feel like a tag along. I'm Nicole. Their friend, not Liz's friend, not Danielle's friend, not Lew's little cousin, not someone who found out about the party and showed up even though they didn't really want her there, I'm Nicole. They invite me on purpose, not because they feel obligated.

It's nice to fell really wanted by a whole group of people. I'm not sure I've ever really had that before.