Let's crunch the numbers

Ahh, the inner battle.

Holly wants to introduce me to her friend John. She thinks we'll be really cute and we'd get along great and blah blah blah. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure he's a really nice guy and it's more than possible we'd hit it off, but I just can't help but think why...

I'm 17 years old. I had my first official boyfriend at 13. I have had 6 official boyfriends. I have "dated" something like 5 more (as in not serious, but we flirted, thought about dating, etc). I've had crushes on countless guys and I'm sure have been crushed on multiple times. Out of the 6 actual relationships, only two have been for more than two months. One of those two lasted almost six months, but we saw each other at most twice a week. The other ended up being a complete asshole, and to this day, I have no idea what really happened - if he cheated on me, what he lied to me about, I know we fought and broke up, but it's hard to say the real reason. In short, after 4 years of dating, I have had 0 successful relationships. I don't regret it, don't get me wrong, I'm just losing hope.

The last guy, wow... I don't even know how to describe him. I met him through a friend, we thought we couldn't date because it would make people, (well, one person,) mad, but we did anyway and he was just amazing. He took me out all the time, we talked every night, we could hang out for hours and never run out of things to do or talk about. I thought I could fall in love with him. I was falling in love with him. Then, one day, out of nowhere, he broke up with me. No fight, no anger, just said he wasn't being fair to me and broke up with me. That was 4 weeks and 2 days ago. Since then I have heard nothing from him. No, that's false, I have heard 7: "All I can say is I'm sorry." Sorry for what? For lying to me? For breaking my heart? for ignoring me for a month? For making me promise that no matter what, we'd still talk, and not even 2 hours later, breaking up with me? He didn't specify.

Now I'm afraid to get involved with anyone else. The last rebound relationship I had was completely horrible. After my longest relationship (13 months), I dated a guy for a few weeks and he took it way to seriously. Granted, I might have led him on, I take responsibility for that one, but he was still pining for me a year later. He's the friend that wouldn't accept my last relationship.

What if I do the same thing? What if I hurt someone else? What if I get hurt? Whats the point of dating these guys for 6 weeks at a time?

I've only been at it for a few years, how am I going to do it? I quit, I can't face however many more years of this.

Maybe I'll get a mail-order boyfriend...

Ya, I know....

(Keep in mind, my best friend is a VanAtta, so I've already heard too much about how this is a horrible idea and I shouldn't let it happen and...)

It is crazy not to have Prom or graduation in the yearbook, but honestly, it's not my choice.

Our adviser made that decision and I have virtually no say in it. I get both sides of it. I'd love to have prom and graduation in it. They are two of the biggest events of the year. However, we will acknowledge it (thoughts, plans, expectations, etc). PLUS those layouts are always the worst: there's no way to get everyone involved in them on the page and the pictures are always bad. The real stories and memories are never in the yearbook anyway- everyone remembers something different and do you really need pictures of other people you didn't really know to remind you about your senior prom or your graduation?

This way, we'll have our yearbooks before we graduate, so we can actually have people sign them. We might even do some pockets or empty spaces where people can add their own photos or something...we haven't quite worked that one out yet.


Sorry, I'm working on my explanation...I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to repeat that about a billion times and then put a disclaimer in the book or something lol

On a lighter note, my new phone should arrive any day now! I'm super excited, I've never had a cool phone before, only the cheap ones we get deals on, so it's a big step to be buying one for myself! I love having money. Jobs are good.

Speaking of which, I'm interviewing for a very part time position at Jeff's tomorrow morning. I can't work super often because i have a thousand other things happening, but I need something besides a relative on my resume.

Nothing else for today

I'm Crazy!!

It's half way through summer, and I am setting myself up to go insane.

I'm editing the yearbook next year. We are doing things differently this year. First off, we're doing a chronilogical yearbook, so there are no designated pages, just timeline, sounds cool right? True, but that means I have to redo EVERYTHING. Nothing carries over. Crap. Also, we're doing a spring release, so our book will be out before the seniors graduate. Also sounds good right? True, but that means all the deadlines get moved up by months. Our book has to be done by April 1st. That means no Prom and no Graduation in the book. The shit is already hitting the fan for that one. I'm tired of the complaints already. Don't get me wrong, I'm soo excited, but it's going to be a lot of work.

And I'm planning another party for a certain person who is a huge part of my life for an upcoming birthday, and its going to cause craziness too....

uuurrggg...

I'm ridiculous

I'm the girl who's...

Honkin' at you
Cuz I left late again!

I overslept again today. Second day in a row, and I feel horrible!
I'm supposed to be at my sister's to babysit before 9 (she has to be at work at 9), so what time to I wake up, 8:57 am. Yup, I'm stupid. I know I set the alarm, so I'm guessing I hit off switch in a rage of wanting to sleep more, which doesn't surprise me, but I know I set my second alarm across the room too, so I think I might have actually sleep walked (slept walked? slept walk?) across the room to turn it off. That seems like dangerous territory to me. I didn't even stay up incredibly late... How am I going to make it in college? Hopefully I'll have very few morning classes. (cross your fingers) Luckily, my sister works for our dad, so it's not like her job is at stake for being a few minutes late, so no sweat there. I still just feel really bad for letting her down. Golly Jee Willikers!

On a brighter note, well, a freakishly creepy note, I was watching What Not To Wear last night at like midnight (yeah, I wasn't up THAT late). The woman on it looked JUST like my mom, like fraternal twin. It was creepy. My mom is way prettier than her, even after the makeover, but still, they could have been separated at birth, except this chick was like 6 years younger than Mom. Mom was happy about that one. :) (She had me tape it so she could see what they did with her hair: she never knows. How cute is that!)

So now I'm bored at my sis's with four kids up stairs playing nicely. The kids both have their best friends over, so my job is basically to provide food and resolve fights. I'm trying my best to ignore any loud noises I hear that sound like something falling on the floor above me: if I didn't, I'd be up there ever 5 seconds.

Cuz Baby We'll be, At the Drive in!

Well time for some comic relief!

Back story: Yesterday, I went to volunteer at the fair to raise some money for Zion Lutheran School, and ran into a guy I met a few days back, one of my best friend's best friend. His name is Matt, but everyone calls him Matty, and we'll continue that for clarification.

So I ran over to him and said hi; he was on the phone with our mutual friend, Holly. So she invited me to go the drive in, which was sooo much fun. I'm definitely going to return there, but I had the hardest trouble finding it because Matty SUCKS at giving directions.

I finally found the drive in, and was 20 minutes late; luckily I had already seen the movie (The Dark Knight - worth seeing a billion times) but I didn't want to drive in front of everyone finding them, so I parked in back and met them at the concession stand.

Now, if spending half an hour lost driving around at night wasn't enough fun for you, just wait. We finally got down to Matty's car, and I went to jump up on the hood and Completely wiped out, like on my back. Nice Nicole.

A while later, I had to go to the bathroom...back up the hills! So I was walking up one of the hills, and wiped out again. Fell up the hill, rolled over, and laughed by myself for a solid minute before I realized I was probably pissing off the people in the car next to me, and probably looked like a major idiot rolling around on the ground. LOL!

It was such a beautiful night one minute, and the next BAM! Instant Crap. There was a tornado warning, and rain started pelting down so hard it stung when it hit the skin. So Matty and Abby (their, well our, other friend) pussied out and went home, so I was gonna drive my car down to Holly's family's van. WELL, god, I don't even know why I'm telling this story, but it's funny so: so the hills were pretty sloped and not very tall. Matt drove up a couple so I thought my car could drive down them. False. I started down the first, my car bottomed out. Ah Crap. It's pelting down needles and my car is stuck. I called Holly, so she came up and helped. Luckily, my car weighs a grand total of 20 pounds, so we had no trouble lifting the back end up and it rolled down just fine. After that, we were soaking wet and freezing, so we left half way through the second movie.

Oh man...good times.

Then today, Liz and I went swimming at an outdoor pool, so my shoulders are BRIGHT red. Nice. But I do have tan lines so that's exciting! :)

Insomnia, Rain, and Banana Pancakes

I couldn't sleep last night. I'm not sure why. Maybe, it was the four hour nap I took when I got home last night. Perhaps, it was the thousands of random thoughts floating in my head. Feasibly, it was all the distractions the internet provides. Possibly it was the conversation with an amazing, old friend. Most likely, it was a combination of all those and more. In all reality, I blame iTunes and Spider Solitaire. I guess the nap probably didn't help either.

While up at all hours of the night, I did a little reading, some watching, quite a bit of listening, a chunk of writing, and massive amounts of thinking.

I don't know why I feel so incomplete. I shouldn't. This isn't meant to seem conceded, but I'm a pretty amazing person. I have worked very hard to become who I am. I have a lot of potential: right now, I could go into pretty much any field I choose, but somehow I feel lacking.

I have incredible friends, but so often it feels like they're too busy for me. They have their significant others, their jobs, their families; I guess I do, too. I shouldn't need it, but I do. I just wish I had that one person to share it all with. It's a different person every day, whoever is available for me to talk to. I fully appreciate them, don't get me wrong, I just miss having that one person to call when something unbelievable happens or when I'm having a really shitty day or I witness the most hilarious thing. Someone who loves me as much as I love them. Honestly, I've never had that. I've definitely been in love before, but I don't think they cared about me nearly as much as I did about them. I know someone has been in love with me, too, but I sadly couldn't love them.

I have one year, almost exactly, until everything I know changes. All the people I have known for years won't be there anymore. It's already changing. Danielle, my soul mate, the one person who as understood me completely, my sister, is moving across the state. For as long as I've known her, she's always been across the field. If I really needed her, all I had to do was call and say "Let's go for a walk" and after that, everything seemed better. Sure, we had our rough patch, and that was horrible, but it only made our relationship stronger. We've grown together. We've influenced each other's personalities so much that it's hard to tell where she stops and I begin. And in a few months, she'll be gone. Her family is moving, too. She says she's going to come back and visit, and I'm sure she will a few times, but then she'll get distracted. She'll have to work, she'll have class, she won't be able to afford the gas, we'll grow apart, before you know it, she'll be a memory from high school, an old friend I haven't seen in years.

It'll be the same with everyone else I know right now. More than likely, (apart from my family,) the people I know and love right now won't be part of my life in 10 years. I won't be alone, I know that. I'll make loads of new friends in college. I'll probably meet a guy and he'll become my life. I'll have a career and start a family and then my husband and kids will be my life. It just blows my mind to think about it. Right now, I can name at least five people who I owe my life to. I am them. They have molded me into who I am. They have supported me and driven me to be everything I want to be, and I can only hope I've done the same for them, yet eventually, I won't know them anymore. It completely terrifies me.

I'm a child for four more months. I have four months before I'm an adult. I have 12 before I have to put everything I've learned into practice. For the first time in my whole life, I'm going to have to share a room with someone. I'm not going to have a whole house to spread my life around. I'm going to have a room. Maybe two if I get a suite. I'll always have Mom and Dad's house, but it won't really be my home anymore. This town won't be my life anymore. This house won't be mine anymore. It'll be my parents.

Maybe that's why I couldn't sleep.

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I went outside this morning, and it had been raining. Not a heavy rain, just a shower. It was still just barely sprinkling. The grass was damp. The sidewalk was dark. The sky was a gorgeous shade of grey. The air was fresh. It's my favorite, the time right after it rains. Every color is deeper, richer. The air smells new. The sounds of life surround me in a blanket of security. I walked to then end of the driveway because there's always a great big puddle there after it rains. As I stepped in it, mud squished in between my toes and suddenly I was five years old again. I made footprints and splashed a little, watching my puddle ripple. A car turning the corner behind me brought me back, and I realized how ridiculous I must look: a teenager in shorts and a sweatshirt playing in mud puddles at six thirty in the morning. I turned to walk back to the house and stopped to take another amazing breath of the fresh morning air and realized that its exactly what's happening in my life right now.

Then I went inside, made myself some delicious banana pancakes, and ignored the world for awhile.

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My life is a rainstorm. It shouldn't be scary, but sometimes it is. I shouldn't worry about losing my friends because even if we grow apart and lose touch, I'll always have them. I'll always be them. It's a brand new chance. But I still will miss them. It's a new day. My senior year, I better make the most of it, but I don't have to. I know the people I spend it with will be ingrained in my memory forever. But, then again, if it's horrible I have a new chance to have fun. I have college. I have my whole life.

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I hope I end up being everything I want to be.

I hope I end up happy.

I think I need to sleep on it.

I enjoy being a girl!

(That was %100 sarcastic.)

Uhhh. I was all excited all week because Mom and I were going to have a fun day today, and then last night, everything changed...
it just keeps getting worse. It never used to bug me, now I'm dying. Cramps, headache, fatigue, nausea: I felt like I was dying all day. It guess worse every time. Walking around 3.6 billion stores didn't help much either. Days like today make me want to get a sex change. Remind me again why I can't get pregnant? I'm counting down the days to menopause. Midol doesn't help either. I need like extra strength, like Valium. LOL!

However, yesterday was fun! Liz and I took a road trip to see a friend, which was pretty good. We met him a few months ago at an honor band (go ahead and laugh...it was fun!) and we kept up with each other, so we hang out every once and awhile. When I got home, Danielle invited me to go with her to the midnight showing of The Dark Knight which turned out to be amazing! It was the first midnight show I'd ever been to, and I'm sooo glad I went! It was the best performance of Heath Ledger's career. I'm so pissed that he finally branched out, and it was his last. He had so much potential. I'm convinced it's all a publicity stunt; as soon as he gets the Oscar, he's going to walk on stage to accept it (Shut up, a girl can dream!) Danielle and I are convinced the role got to him. Being actors, we've experienced how a role can take over the actor. It's on purpose; you put yourself into your character's mind so you can become them on stage (or on screen) but by then end of the production, you've become that person out of practice, too. I've been more innocent, conceded, adventurous because that's what my character was. His character was insane. He knew how to mess with people's minds. To do that, you'd have to examine your own mind, figure out how it works, how people tick. It makes me scared to act, believe it or not.

On a brighter note, I saw a friend I haven't seen in a LONG time. She was a senior when I was a freshman, but she was one of my best friends, a mentor as well. She's one of the greatest actresses I've ever known. I haven't seen her in a really long time (graduation does that...) but she's doing really great. I'm really excited for her. She didn't have the greatest time in high school; I wouldn't call her an outcast, but she was a drama freak, we just aren't as accepted because we're weird. lol! She new like everyone in the line for the movie (a lot of them were really hot guys hahaha). She's got a boyfriend and I guess they're doing great. She's transferring to ISU in the fall. It's just good times for her!

AND she introduced me to a guy that, well, let's just say my dad would love him. (Danielle was referring to him as "The McCain Pusher") but idk... it just reminded me that there are many fish in the sea, and I need to just forget about Matt. If he's going to be stupid, then fuck him.

So now I'm all confused. I keep telling myself that I don't want to get in a relationship because I'll be off to college in a year. It'd be stupid to be in a relationship because as soon as I'm there, I'll be surrounded by hundreds of guys. Many of them will be aesthetically pleasing. At least a few are bound to be interested in me. Having a boyfriend would never work: I'm way to much of a flirt! (LOL) But in the mean time, I still really like boys. I'm trying to calm down and just let things happen, but when I meet a guy I like, I get over excited and freak out and scream and run around and circles and start planning the wedding and naming our kids and buying a house and reserving cemetery plots...ok, I'm not that bad, but I tend to rush into things. grrrrrr

Oh Yeah!

Actually, I forgot what it was, but Danielle reminded me so I found it again lol

Reunion

So I'm back again.

I had a blogspot in Jr High, but I got lazy with it and I think it probably has been deleted since then. In those years, I have created an new email and a new personality, so here I am again!

I'm pretty much here to stay connected with aunts, uncles, and cousins that I normally wouldn't get to talk to, and maybe to let off some steam when those crazy high school days start to get to me. Senior year, here I come!