New Definitions

Baby Goggles JANUARY 25

1581 up, 213 down

A phenomenon where the parents of an ugly baby think their baby is adorable and no one else does.

Nancy: Here's our little bundle of joy! Isn't she just the cutest thing ever?!? 
Lisa & Kate (after one look at Nancy's ugly baby): Ohhhh...! Yessss.... 
Lisa to Kate: I think Nancy has baby goggles - that's got to be the ugliest baby I've ever seen!

Well Then

So I found out today that my ex, Rily, has been talking to a friend of mine.

It shouldn't bother me, but it does. They met through me. They don't even really know each other. 

But still, they are going to go to a movie together with another couple friends of mine. Rily never ONCE went to a movie, not anything. We did things he wanted to do: snow boarding, hanging around at his house, family stuff, blah blah blah. All of it fun, but, well, only half of me. 

I think it's not so much that it's happening, but that I'm so bothered by it that hurts me. I shouldn't like him like that. He doesn't feel. He doesn't show love, he doesn't think about what I want to do, I don't think he knows what romance is. We tried and it definitely didn't work. 

But was it him, or was it me? Do I have some kind of ridiculous standards that no one can fill? I have broken up with pretty much all of the boys I've dated. Most of them had some serious flaws, but we're human. Who doesn't? I sure do.

Maybe since they were willing to give me a chance, I should have given them more of one?

Is that the lesson I'm supposed to have learned? Can I be happy for awhile now?

kthxbi JANUARY 19

3237 up, 1573 down

I understand. Your help in this matter has been greatly appreciated. However, with much regret and much haste, I must be departing from our conversation.

newb2342: da partiez @ 4, b there!!1 
lolz3r: kthxbi!!!!11

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hozie
	A mix between a hoe and a fluzie. Yo that girl is a hozie, she will give blumpkins for free

Self Help

As part of an effort to keep myself sane, I am going to start visiting www.urbandictionary.com and will probably post the funniest ones here.

To Start!

good talk JANUARY 2

6078 up, 748 down

A way to end a man-to-man conversation of personal feelings in a comfortable, heterosexual manner.

"Dude, I think my girl is cheating on me. What should I do?" 

"Dump that bitch." 

"Good talk."

Everything's Zen*

*Not so much Zen, as redundant and annoying. This isn't something I was planning on telling... well... anyone, but I need to write. I guess doing it on the internet where I know people might read it helps me keep goals because I can't pretend I never said it. If I say it here, I can't take it back, I can't say it didn't happen, I can't say they weren't real feelings.

I don't know how to start, so I guess I'll just say it: I don't remember the last time I really enjoyed myself.  Everything I've done for months, I've done because that's what I've always done. I did the play, tried out for Select Choir, my homework, improv, help direct the Jr High play, church choir, blah, blah, blah.  Even hanging out with my friends isn't fun. I smile and laugh, but it's empty. 

The closest I've come to actually feeling good was Saturday. I took Malea to Disney on Ice and she told me it was the best day of her life. That made it one of the best of mine. The night before, some friends came over after the one act, and I ended up sitting on the laundry room floor crying. Why? I couldn't say if I wanted to.  Mom and I had a conversation after that. I got some things off my chest, and I think that might have helped Saturday be a little better, but I still ended up completely relieved by my head hitting that pillow.

Even snow has lost its charm. It used to be magical. It used to make things happen. Now, all it brings is miserable snow days that I'd like to spend in bed, but can't. That's all I want to do anymore. Stay in bed, wrapped up under the covers.

Maybe it's Senioritis, a complete lack of motivation, a need to be out of this town, to move on with the next phase of my life. Maybe it's the shear redundancy, seeing the same people, doing the same things, having the same conversations. Maybe its more, maybe I need professional help. 

All I know is nothing is really fun. I'm not happy anymore. I'm annoyed by almost everything, literally. I hope I can figure this out soon. I'm giving up on just trying to get over it by myself. I've gotta do something different.

I really do love my sister and her kids, and I'm glad I can help...

But it would be nice to actually enjoy a snow day for once.

Here I go again.

Why do I put myself through this over and over again?

I may never know the answer.

But as I kiss the familiar lips that I have felt on mine so many times before, it doesn't seem to matter that deep down, I know that however much I may pine for him, it will never work. This strange force that seems to draw us together time and time again is never strong enough to counter that which keeps us from admitting that we both want to be more than we are or ever will be. Our complete bullheadedness that doesn't allow us to let each other in.

Maybe its the history. His were the first lips to ever touch mine.

Maybe its the chemistry, the way everything tingles at his slightest touch.

It might be the way we force each other to return to the past: we remind each other of a more innocent time, when love was a fairy tale and my hand in his was enough to satisfy every urge in our bodies.  A clean time, when we weren't afraid to have feelings, before we knew what love was, or how miserably a broken heart hurt.

Maybe this subconscious reminiscing conjures up the child-like behavior we exhibit only to each other.

I would love nothing more than to feel his arms around me.

At the same time, I resist his touch and deny his kind words.

Could it be that this is just part of our long journey together?

Or is this the end, that after all the past years and the next few months, we will never see each other again?

It is possible that after all we have been through, we will simply part with a few words.

Then again, it is possible that in the end, he will be the one to remove the chains I have locked around my heart because of him and every other one that proceeded him.

It's almost midnight.

Again.

For some reason, I can't sleep anymore.

I'm so burnt out.

Every thing feels so dead.

Things I used to get so excited about barely coax a smile.

People that used to make me laugh for hours do nothing.

I try so hard to be optimistic:

"Things will change!.. Everything will be different when you get out of Wilton...

College will be so much better than this"

But will it?

Or is it me.

It  has to be.

Other people enjoy high school.

Other people enjoy their lives.

I've tried so hard to not get caught up in the crap.

I wanted my senior year to be the best.

I tried to do things I wanted to do.

They all ended up being horrible.

This is stupid.

Why do I put myself through this.

Maybe this is why no one will ever want me...

--Beer Fridge-->

I'm going to brag.
I did AWESOME on my ACT retake.
30 Baby!
So now I'm up for a major scholarship through Drake.
I still haven't heard from them.
I know I shouldn't worry, but I can't help it.
I'm ...
I don't even know what I am any more.
I'm tired and lonely and bored and frustrated.
I'm not enjoying this year at all.
Senior year was supposed to be the best.
All my friends either moved away or are busy.
I'm busy. There's too much stuff to do.
Year book is sucking. No one does their job.
I don't know what to do anymore.
We're way late for our deadline already.
I'm going through this year one day at a time, just waiting for the end to come.
I keep telling myself that I'm ready for college,
that this year sucks because I'm stuck in this stage and ready for the next,
But what if I'm not.
What if I get to college, and I'm lost.
What if I make no new friends.
What if I suck it up in all my classes.
What if I let everyone down.
I don't know how I'm ever going to pay for it.
Forget about tuition, what about food?
Going out with friends? if I find any friends...
God I hate this.
I hate doubting myself.
I really hate the reason why.
I'm lonely.
I'm lonely because there isn't a guy in my life.
I'm supposed to be stronger than that.
Look at all the wonderful women in my life,
The incredibly beautiful, and talented, and strong women.
Why can't I be more like them?
This is stupid.
This isn't who I'm supposed to be.
I'm going to let everyone down.
I'm going to let myself down,
But I don't know what to do about it.
I can't even find words to describe what I'm feeling.
Yeah, I'm going to make a freakin great writer someday...

What are you waiting for, A Certain shade of green?

this is really weird.
I'm not sure I've ever gone this long without having a crush before.
Well, not since sixth grade when I actually started liking boys.
(AHH MAN! Any other boy blog? Crap. Well to you I say, Shut Up! ;) )

It seems like I always have a thing, at least a little one, for at least one boy.
Always.
Right now, nothing.
No one, I should say.
It's really weird.
It's been like this for a few months now.
There is no prospects.
No one I'm even remotely interested in.
There's no one even eligible.

I'm not sure what it means yet.
I keep telling myself it's so I'll be available when the right person comes along,
That God is sending someone my way, and this way I'll be ready,
But no one is here yet.

I've been keeping my eyes open, considering people I never have before,
Nope.
Nothing there.

There's always that I'm just supposed to be alone right now,
Nothing wrong with that.
And it's very true.
I like being single.
I can be who I want,
Where I want,
When I want,
and not have to worry that it's going to make my boyfriend mad.

But I feel so alone.
I have AMAZING friends, but there's a missing thing there.
When something amazing happens, there's no one that I automatically want to tell.
If I have a spare hour when I'm bored, no one immediately comes to mind to call.
Who do I invite to a Hawks game or a cousin's wedding or a school dance?
Yeah, my amazing friends, but it's just different.
And most of my friends have significant others.
They have their boyfriends or their girlfriends,
so at the end of the night, they want to be with them.
I completely understand that, but where does it leave me?
Alone at home with a book or the remote.

I'm just not sure what to do anymore.
Yeah, there's college.
I'm sure to meet TONS of new people there.
Friends.
More than friends...
But that's 10 months from now.

I love her dearly, but I don't want to bring Danielle to Prom.
I want to have all the fun senior memories.
I'd love to go on a first date.
I'm just out of people.
Grrrr.