It's Been Awhile

So schools not horrible...
Actually, the first couple days were REALLY boring.
My stats class might not happen (it's a college class and they can't find anyone to teach it) so nothing happened that block.
Journalism was nothing but talk about goals and shit.
Choir was...well...choir.
and Then open block which I couldn't leave because I just got the permission slip that day.
Next day, Painting and Drawing and Mrs Budding wasn't there so we did a book assignment.
Mentoring which I also couldn't do because of the permission slip thing.
Government...not horribly boring but a lot of introduction stuff.
Lastly, Physics. Again, intro stuff.

However, it was nice to see everyone again. I didn't realize how much I missed everyone.

Another update:

New boy.
His name's Steve. Just turned 20. He's a badass.
Well, not really. He got into some bad shit in high school, but knows how stupid it all was, and now he has his own place and he starts a new job tomorrow (at 11.50 an hour!!).
I'm actually really proud of him for doing as well as he does. His parents aren't great, never had good influences. It seems he wants to do better though. He has potential, he just needs encouragement.

Mom and Dad met him the other day. It was a very casual thing. They were in the beer tent and we went by to say hi because mom's old friend Carol was there and she wanted to see me all growed up. It was good times.

So there we go. Not much else new.

Oh, my hair is brown and purple now. HA!
A few thick purple streaks and the rest is light brown. I love it!

Ok all for now. later

The Boys of Summer

Uhhhh

I hate being busy.

Having money is great and all, and I really don't mind working, but it just eats my time. I worked Sunday and Monday, Tuesday I babysat and went to see Jessica in the hospital (More on that later), today I babysit and have a bonfire to go to so I can see everyone before they head to college AND its my friends birthday and he has no plans so I'm hanging out with him, tomorrow, I babysit AND work AND have a journalism party- at my house. I was supposed to have Friday off, but my manager has plans, so she asked me to fill in for her. And Saturday, I'm going to Aunt Judy's for a "silly girl's lunch" so there's basically my whole week. I hate having plans. I'd rather just be spontaneous.

I'm not complaining, I know it's my own fault for booking myself up. I guess it's part of growing up. I miss past summers when I just hung out with my friends, spent the night at people's houses all the time, didn't really have any plans. School starts in just a couple weeks, and I'm so scared its going to get insane again.

Bleh.

One of those girls who...

... needs a boy to be happy.
...gets lonely so easily.
...has to look in the mirror at every chance.
...always worries about how she looks.
...checks out every guy she sees.
...secretly hopes any boy is checking her out.
...dates people she's not really interested in because she's lonely.
...moves too quickly.
...likes someone too soon.
...can't feel good about herself.
...just wants to feel pretty.
...doesn't believe it when people tell her she is pretty.
...has no self control.
...complains but does nothing about it.
...drowns her boredom and loneliness in food.
...feels fat.
...feels ugly.
...hates herself.
...cries to herself.
...can't stop.
...feels stupid.
...wants all her friends to set her up.
...hopes it'll get better later.
...knows it won't ever get better.
...I always mocked.
...I always swore I wouldn't be.
...I am.

Pride

"I'm so proud of you."

I've heard that phrase from at least 4 people in the past few days, and I know more than that were thinking it.

One was in tears when I told her about the encounter.

I never really thought about people being proud of me.

Just so you know, hearing it means more to me than any of you will ever know.

"My tears do not compromise my strength."

Things are better now, A lot better.

Tuesday night after work, I called Liz. I got all dressed for success, and we went to find Matt. We did, at his house, at 10 pm. She came with to make sure I didn't chicken out, which is good because I would have. I called him from Liz's phone so I knew he'd answer (since he'd been ignoring my calls) and said, and I quote, "I need to talk to you. I'm in front of your house right now. If you don't come outside to talk to me, I'll barge up to your room and make you." He said I'll be down in a minute. He was.

I walked up to him with a look to kill. He looked at me with desperate eyes. He asked me to sit, I asked him "Why?", he said to be more comfortable, so I did, but not where he indicated. I had to keep the upper hand. I didn't let him talk first, even though I knew he wouldn't.

I just want to know why. Why have you been ignoring me for a month? Why did you just drop me out of no where, say you would call me, and then not? You always said you were mature but you have proved yourself to be the very opposite. But more than any of that, I miss you. For a short while, you were a massive part of my life, then BOOM, you drop off the face of the earth. So much has happened that I wanted to tell you about. So many times, I needed to talk to you, and there was no answer. You have no idea how much that hurt. I can get over losing a boyfriend, but the wound a lost friend leaves never heals.

It's not word for word, but its close. I could see repentance in his eyes, but it didn't mean anything until the words left his lips.

I knew I was being an ass. I knew it every time I didn't answer your calls or didn't reply to a message or text. I'm an ass.

At least he can admit it.

He told me it was to piss me off. He wanted to make it easier for me to get over him. For some girls that might have worked, but not for me. I told him instead of hating him, I hated myself. I wondered what I did wrong, what I needed to change, how I messed things up. He uncomfortably shifted his weight. This wasn't going how he had planned, No, for once, things were going the way I wanted.

He also said he wanted to wait because he didn't want us to "fall into a groove": he didn't want us to be friends for awhile, and then find ourself in the same confusing situation. I hate to admit it, but he was right. We would have done exactly that, although I think it's awful the way he ignored me.

In a way, I'm glad he did. I'm proud now. I like who I am again. I feel strong. I stood up to him, I made him talk to me, I forced him to face me: to look me in the eye and see my pain. I held back the tears and stared into the eyes I fell in love with, and he saw nothing but harsh ice cold blue staring back at him. I didn't just accept my strength, I regained it, I fought for it.

And I miss you, too.

I finally released the gate of my tears. I knew then that things were going to be okay: as much as he meant the rest, he had been dying to say the last. The tears running down my cheeks showed him how much he hurt me. I think it made more of a difference for him, and I had nothing more to prove. "My tears do not compromise my strength."

We spent half an hour catching up on our lives, covering the time we had missed with each other. We agreed to be friends again: he wouldn't ignore me anymore. Hopefully it holds true. I would hate to drift away from him. That hour reminded me what caught me in the first place. I had forgotten how funny he is, how soft he looks when a kitten starts crawling all over him. He's not such a bad guy, just a little lost sometimes.

He went to my car to "talk privately" to Liz. He apologized to her, thanked her for being such a good friend, and asked her to help me get over him. Cocky, yes, but a nice gesture. It was unnecessary. The hour with him was really all I needed. I needed to know why. I needed to know it wasn't me. I'm better now. More than better. I found closure as he walked away, and found friendship again as we hugged before he went into his house and I walked to my car.

I hope I haven't seen the last of Matt; though I know now I'm strong enough to make anything happen.

Letters that you never meant to send.

I hate this. I hate who I am, who you've made me. I thought I was stronger than this. You are my kryptonite. I've had my heart broken before, but this is more. This isn't heartbreak. This is utter humiliation. You made me promise, Promise, that no matter what happened, we'd still talk, we'd still be friends.

I haven't cried like this since freshman year. My hot tears are running down my cheeks, and I've stopped wiping them away. There's no point. More would follow and take their place.

I thought you were different. I thought you were cool. I thought you were mature. I figured even if it didn't work, even if the distance got to us or college wedged it's way between us, we could at least talk and remember the good times. I thought you wanted that too. I have never been so wrong about someone in my entire life.

You completely blindsided me. The person I met - the one I opened up to, the one I let into my heart even thought everything in my head told me not to - turned out to be the complete opposite of everything you told me you were.

I've been lied to before, but not like this. I've been used before, but not like this.

"All I can say is I'm sorry."

Lies.

You could explain why. You could tell me why the person I gave everything to turned around ripped out my heart and threw it in the trash. No, that's a lie, too. You didn't even care that much. You just ignored me completely.

I'm not even worth words. I'm below you.

Do you see what you've made me? I'm a blubbering mess on the floor. I can't pick myself up. No matter how much I try, I can't move on. I hear a song and think of you. I say something and think of you. I see a picture and think of you.

You never think of me. You don't have to tell me, I know. If you did, you wouldn't be able to do this. I'm sure by now, you've found some other girl, someone else who thinks your different, who thinks maybe this time she won't get hurt.

Can you promise me one thing? Let her down easier than you did me. Tell her why. Give her notice, don't spring it on her. Let her know its coming so that she might actually have a fighting chance of saving a small piece of her heart. A fight maybe? Don't ignore her either. Answer her calls, acknowledge her existence. Even if you don't want to be with her, don't tear her down till she's even lower than the dirt you walk on. Anyone who has the courage to try deserves better than that.

Plus, I don't think your soul is strong enough to take the karma of another utter humiliation.

And it really makes me wonder.

So I went to Muscatine today.
Just me.
I love driving by myself.
I do a lot of thinking when I drive.
So I was thinking.
I can't think of a single boy I like,
Not even one I'd be interested in dating.
That's SO weird for me.
I at least have one guy in mind.
Normally, it's many.
But there's not one.
Why? I asked myself.
Matt.

It really blows my mind. I'll be listening to a song or watching the starts or see a commercial or say something or hear something, and it'll make me think of someone. At first, I can't think of who I'm thinking about. Then it hits me.
Matt.

I should hate him. I thought he was different. He told me he wasn't like that, he hated guys like that, and then he is that.

He won't talk to me. He completely ignores me. How am I supposed to get closure?

Nothing for over a month. I should hate him, right? I at least shouldn't cry every time I think about him.

Why? Why would he do this? What's the point? Did he think I'd get over him more quickly? Did he intend for this to happen? For me to think about him all the time so that I'm completely miserable? Does he just know how much this is bugging me and he's doing it just to make me cry? did he really mean anything he told me?

WHY?!?!

Why would you tell someone you really care about them and never want to lose them, and then ignore them for a month? It doesn't make sense! And how the hell am I supposed to move on when I don't even know what I did wrong?

I'd try to contact him, but I know it'd be no use. That would just be him winning more. But he's already won. He took something from me I can never get back and what does he care? I was just another girl. He lied to me and he played me and then dropped me. I'm disposable.

But I can't let go. No matter how much he doesn't care, I can't stop.

I'm so tired of crying over him, but I can't stop.

How do I make it stop?