*sigh*

So my uncle died.
My mom's brother, he was only 53.
We all were scared to hear how.
He had been going through a pretty rough patch in his life.
I won't lie, Suicide was the first thing to pop into my head.
But, as horrible as it sounds, luckily it was a heart attack.

Now I'm in Waulkegan, his visitation was last night.
I was ok until my cousin Brandon cried. We were standing next to each other, and he just lost it.
Afterwards, he looked up at me angrily, "You made me cry!"
"Nuh uh! You made ME cry!"
Sibling rivalry. :)

Ok, so family rundown.
I was a "surprise" so all of my cousins are at least 6 years younger or older than me.
ALL of them.
SO, at all family gatherings, I get picked on.
On Dad's side, the bigger ones pick on me.
On Mom's side, I play distraction for the younger ones.
It used to be fun, painful, but fun.
But I've gotten older, so being piled with pillows and used as a punching bag is no longer my idea of a fun time.
I told you all that to tell you this:
My younger cousin, Kayla, told me yesterday that I'm not fun anymore.
THAT was a punch in the face.
But, ya know, now it's their turn.
The older ones can teach the younger ones all that I taught them,
Everything my older cousins taught me.
I guess it's just been a reflextionary couple of days.

Ooo! Also, my other Uncle John told me that my cousin really enjoys reading my blog.
I didn't know she even did, so that was exciting.
At first, I was a little embarrased because I'm rather...Colorful with it sometimes, but oh well!

On the boy front, I'm thinking about asking my friend Chris to Homecoming.
He's from New London, so it's kind of a drive, but I've gone down there a couple times, so he owes me a trip or two.
Liz thinks it would be a TON of fun, but if all else fails, there's still Danielle and that would be a BLAST!!

Something else....hmmm
OH yeah!
Yearbook.
I thought it was going to be good, the staff at least.
I really didn't think we were going to have any problems.
WRONG!
A bunch of junior girls who don't listen and talk ALL THE TIME!
This is some important stuff we're trying to do, and all they care about is what they think.
Too bad none of it is useful or makes sense at all...
GUEOIUGHA:KJLIVJLKEA
On the bright side, I got the ladder done.
Margo (my advisor) has been on my back about that sinse the beginning of the year.
And they'll have last year's books out today, so thats exciting.
Now we'll just have to field complains about something we can't change and had nothing to do with.
Great.

But I'm over it
lol


Ok, enough for now.

Let's crunch the numbers

Ahh, the inner battle.

Holly wants to introduce me to her friend John. She thinks we'll be really cute and we'd get along great and blah blah blah. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure he's a really nice guy and it's more than possible we'd hit it off, but I just can't help but think why...

I'm 17 years old. I had my first official boyfriend at 13. I have had 6 official boyfriends. I have "dated" something like 5 more (as in not serious, but we flirted, thought about dating, etc). I've had crushes on countless guys and I'm sure have been crushed on multiple times. Out of the 6 actual relationships, only two have been for more than two months. One of those two lasted almost six months, but we saw each other at most twice a week. The other ended up being a complete asshole, and to this day, I have no idea what really happened - if he cheated on me, what he lied to me about, I know we fought and broke up, but it's hard to say the real reason. In short, after 4 years of dating, I have had 0 successful relationships. I don't regret it, don't get me wrong, I'm just losing hope.

The last guy, wow... I don't even know how to describe him. I met him through a friend, we thought we couldn't date because it would make people, (well, one person,) mad, but we did anyway and he was just amazing. He took me out all the time, we talked every night, we could hang out for hours and never run out of things to do or talk about. I thought I could fall in love with him. I was falling in love with him. Then, one day, out of nowhere, he broke up with me. No fight, no anger, just said he wasn't being fair to me and broke up with me. That was 4 weeks and 2 days ago. Since then I have heard nothing from him. No, that's false, I have heard 7: "All I can say is I'm sorry." Sorry for what? For lying to me? For breaking my heart? for ignoring me for a month? For making me promise that no matter what, we'd still talk, and not even 2 hours later, breaking up with me? He didn't specify.

Now I'm afraid to get involved with anyone else. The last rebound relationship I had was completely horrible. After my longest relationship (13 months), I dated a guy for a few weeks and he took it way to seriously. Granted, I might have led him on, I take responsibility for that one, but he was still pining for me a year later. He's the friend that wouldn't accept my last relationship.

What if I do the same thing? What if I hurt someone else? What if I get hurt? Whats the point of dating these guys for 6 weeks at a time?

I've only been at it for a few years, how am I going to do it? I quit, I can't face however many more years of this.

Maybe I'll get a mail-order boyfriend...

Insomnia, Rain, and Banana Pancakes

I couldn't sleep last night. I'm not sure why. Maybe, it was the four hour nap I took when I got home last night. Perhaps, it was the thousands of random thoughts floating in my head. Feasibly, it was all the distractions the internet provides. Possibly it was the conversation with an amazing, old friend. Most likely, it was a combination of all those and more. In all reality, I blame iTunes and Spider Solitaire. I guess the nap probably didn't help either.

While up at all hours of the night, I did a little reading, some watching, quite a bit of listening, a chunk of writing, and massive amounts of thinking.

I don't know why I feel so incomplete. I shouldn't. This isn't meant to seem conceded, but I'm a pretty amazing person. I have worked very hard to become who I am. I have a lot of potential: right now, I could go into pretty much any field I choose, but somehow I feel lacking.

I have incredible friends, but so often it feels like they're too busy for me. They have their significant others, their jobs, their families; I guess I do, too. I shouldn't need it, but I do. I just wish I had that one person to share it all with. It's a different person every day, whoever is available for me to talk to. I fully appreciate them, don't get me wrong, I just miss having that one person to call when something unbelievable happens or when I'm having a really shitty day or I witness the most hilarious thing. Someone who loves me as much as I love them. Honestly, I've never had that. I've definitely been in love before, but I don't think they cared about me nearly as much as I did about them. I know someone has been in love with me, too, but I sadly couldn't love them.

I have one year, almost exactly, until everything I know changes. All the people I have known for years won't be there anymore. It's already changing. Danielle, my soul mate, the one person who as understood me completely, my sister, is moving across the state. For as long as I've known her, she's always been across the field. If I really needed her, all I had to do was call and say "Let's go for a walk" and after that, everything seemed better. Sure, we had our rough patch, and that was horrible, but it only made our relationship stronger. We've grown together. We've influenced each other's personalities so much that it's hard to tell where she stops and I begin. And in a few months, she'll be gone. Her family is moving, too. She says she's going to come back and visit, and I'm sure she will a few times, but then she'll get distracted. She'll have to work, she'll have class, she won't be able to afford the gas, we'll grow apart, before you know it, she'll be a memory from high school, an old friend I haven't seen in years.

It'll be the same with everyone else I know right now. More than likely, (apart from my family,) the people I know and love right now won't be part of my life in 10 years. I won't be alone, I know that. I'll make loads of new friends in college. I'll probably meet a guy and he'll become my life. I'll have a career and start a family and then my husband and kids will be my life. It just blows my mind to think about it. Right now, I can name at least five people who I owe my life to. I am them. They have molded me into who I am. They have supported me and driven me to be everything I want to be, and I can only hope I've done the same for them, yet eventually, I won't know them anymore. It completely terrifies me.

I'm a child for four more months. I have four months before I'm an adult. I have 12 before I have to put everything I've learned into practice. For the first time in my whole life, I'm going to have to share a room with someone. I'm not going to have a whole house to spread my life around. I'm going to have a room. Maybe two if I get a suite. I'll always have Mom and Dad's house, but it won't really be my home anymore. This town won't be my life anymore. This house won't be mine anymore. It'll be my parents.

Maybe that's why I couldn't sleep.

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I went outside this morning, and it had been raining. Not a heavy rain, just a shower. It was still just barely sprinkling. The grass was damp. The sidewalk was dark. The sky was a gorgeous shade of grey. The air was fresh. It's my favorite, the time right after it rains. Every color is deeper, richer. The air smells new. The sounds of life surround me in a blanket of security. I walked to then end of the driveway because there's always a great big puddle there after it rains. As I stepped in it, mud squished in between my toes and suddenly I was five years old again. I made footprints and splashed a little, watching my puddle ripple. A car turning the corner behind me brought me back, and I realized how ridiculous I must look: a teenager in shorts and a sweatshirt playing in mud puddles at six thirty in the morning. I turned to walk back to the house and stopped to take another amazing breath of the fresh morning air and realized that its exactly what's happening in my life right now.

Then I went inside, made myself some delicious banana pancakes, and ignored the world for awhile.

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My life is a rainstorm. It shouldn't be scary, but sometimes it is. I shouldn't worry about losing my friends because even if we grow apart and lose touch, I'll always have them. I'll always be them. It's a brand new chance. But I still will miss them. It's a new day. My senior year, I better make the most of it, but I don't have to. I know the people I spend it with will be ingrained in my memory forever. But, then again, if it's horrible I have a new chance to have fun. I have college. I have my whole life.

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I hope I end up being everything I want to be.

I hope I end up happy.

I think I need to sleep on it.