*Sniff*

Welp,
It's 1am.
I'm sick.
I've been home for the past two days.
I have to work tomorrow at 7am.
As my luck goes, of course, I can't sleep.
So I write.

I'm breaking up with Steve tomorrow.
I don't mind being friends with him, I hope we can keep that up,
but he's too serious too fast.
He told me he was falling in love with me the other day.
I've only known him for a month.

Plus, I'm just kinda confused right now.
I don't really know what I want.
It's senior year, and I definitely don't want to be tied down,
esp to someone I don't really like that much. LOL

I wish I could breathe.
Breathing is nice.

My article on the parking lot is going to run on the front page of The Beaver Tale.
Thats exciting!
Not so exciting: someone screwed up all the staffs plans and told everyone that the yearbooks are in, so we can't do the release party like we planned.
The staff is already pissing me off.
I think I'm going to kill someone by the end of the year.

Oo! more news.
I found a date for homecoming, maybe.
I asked Danielle if she'd go with me, and she said yes!
I'm not making that definite yet, in case a boy asks me, but Danielle and I would have too much fun with it, so it'll be a blast either way. :)

Brian Regan's new special is on tomorrow.
I am PSYCHED!
He's probably my new favorite comedian.

Ok, well thats all the random shit I can think of right now.
I'll have more later.

The Boys of Summer

Uhhhh

I hate being busy.

Having money is great and all, and I really don't mind working, but it just eats my time. I worked Sunday and Monday, Tuesday I babysat and went to see Jessica in the hospital (More on that later), today I babysit and have a bonfire to go to so I can see everyone before they head to college AND its my friends birthday and he has no plans so I'm hanging out with him, tomorrow, I babysit AND work AND have a journalism party- at my house. I was supposed to have Friday off, but my manager has plans, so she asked me to fill in for her. And Saturday, I'm going to Aunt Judy's for a "silly girl's lunch" so there's basically my whole week. I hate having plans. I'd rather just be spontaneous.

I'm not complaining, I know it's my own fault for booking myself up. I guess it's part of growing up. I miss past summers when I just hung out with my friends, spent the night at people's houses all the time, didn't really have any plans. School starts in just a couple weeks, and I'm so scared its going to get insane again.

Bleh.

And it really makes me wonder.

So I went to Muscatine today.
Just me.
I love driving by myself.
I do a lot of thinking when I drive.
So I was thinking.
I can't think of a single boy I like,
Not even one I'd be interested in dating.
That's SO weird for me.
I at least have one guy in mind.
Normally, it's many.
But there's not one.
Why? I asked myself.
Matt.

It really blows my mind. I'll be listening to a song or watching the starts or see a commercial or say something or hear something, and it'll make me think of someone. At first, I can't think of who I'm thinking about. Then it hits me.
Matt.

I should hate him. I thought he was different. He told me he wasn't like that, he hated guys like that, and then he is that.

He won't talk to me. He completely ignores me. How am I supposed to get closure?

Nothing for over a month. I should hate him, right? I at least shouldn't cry every time I think about him.

Why? Why would he do this? What's the point? Did he think I'd get over him more quickly? Did he intend for this to happen? For me to think about him all the time so that I'm completely miserable? Does he just know how much this is bugging me and he's doing it just to make me cry? did he really mean anything he told me?

WHY?!?!

Why would you tell someone you really care about them and never want to lose them, and then ignore them for a month? It doesn't make sense! And how the hell am I supposed to move on when I don't even know what I did wrong?

I'd try to contact him, but I know it'd be no use. That would just be him winning more. But he's already won. He took something from me I can never get back and what does he care? I was just another girl. He lied to me and he played me and then dropped me. I'm disposable.

But I can't let go. No matter how much he doesn't care, I can't stop.

I'm so tired of crying over him, but I can't stop.

How do I make it stop?

Let's crunch the numbers

Ahh, the inner battle.

Holly wants to introduce me to her friend John. She thinks we'll be really cute and we'd get along great and blah blah blah. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure he's a really nice guy and it's more than possible we'd hit it off, but I just can't help but think why...

I'm 17 years old. I had my first official boyfriend at 13. I have had 6 official boyfriends. I have "dated" something like 5 more (as in not serious, but we flirted, thought about dating, etc). I've had crushes on countless guys and I'm sure have been crushed on multiple times. Out of the 6 actual relationships, only two have been for more than two months. One of those two lasted almost six months, but we saw each other at most twice a week. The other ended up being a complete asshole, and to this day, I have no idea what really happened - if he cheated on me, what he lied to me about, I know we fought and broke up, but it's hard to say the real reason. In short, after 4 years of dating, I have had 0 successful relationships. I don't regret it, don't get me wrong, I'm just losing hope.

The last guy, wow... I don't even know how to describe him. I met him through a friend, we thought we couldn't date because it would make people, (well, one person,) mad, but we did anyway and he was just amazing. He took me out all the time, we talked every night, we could hang out for hours and never run out of things to do or talk about. I thought I could fall in love with him. I was falling in love with him. Then, one day, out of nowhere, he broke up with me. No fight, no anger, just said he wasn't being fair to me and broke up with me. That was 4 weeks and 2 days ago. Since then I have heard nothing from him. No, that's false, I have heard 7: "All I can say is I'm sorry." Sorry for what? For lying to me? For breaking my heart? for ignoring me for a month? For making me promise that no matter what, we'd still talk, and not even 2 hours later, breaking up with me? He didn't specify.

Now I'm afraid to get involved with anyone else. The last rebound relationship I had was completely horrible. After my longest relationship (13 months), I dated a guy for a few weeks and he took it way to seriously. Granted, I might have led him on, I take responsibility for that one, but he was still pining for me a year later. He's the friend that wouldn't accept my last relationship.

What if I do the same thing? What if I hurt someone else? What if I get hurt? Whats the point of dating these guys for 6 weeks at a time?

I've only been at it for a few years, how am I going to do it? I quit, I can't face however many more years of this.

Maybe I'll get a mail-order boyfriend...

Insomnia, Rain, and Banana Pancakes

I couldn't sleep last night. I'm not sure why. Maybe, it was the four hour nap I took when I got home last night. Perhaps, it was the thousands of random thoughts floating in my head. Feasibly, it was all the distractions the internet provides. Possibly it was the conversation with an amazing, old friend. Most likely, it was a combination of all those and more. In all reality, I blame iTunes and Spider Solitaire. I guess the nap probably didn't help either.

While up at all hours of the night, I did a little reading, some watching, quite a bit of listening, a chunk of writing, and massive amounts of thinking.

I don't know why I feel so incomplete. I shouldn't. This isn't meant to seem conceded, but I'm a pretty amazing person. I have worked very hard to become who I am. I have a lot of potential: right now, I could go into pretty much any field I choose, but somehow I feel lacking.

I have incredible friends, but so often it feels like they're too busy for me. They have their significant others, their jobs, their families; I guess I do, too. I shouldn't need it, but I do. I just wish I had that one person to share it all with. It's a different person every day, whoever is available for me to talk to. I fully appreciate them, don't get me wrong, I just miss having that one person to call when something unbelievable happens or when I'm having a really shitty day or I witness the most hilarious thing. Someone who loves me as much as I love them. Honestly, I've never had that. I've definitely been in love before, but I don't think they cared about me nearly as much as I did about them. I know someone has been in love with me, too, but I sadly couldn't love them.

I have one year, almost exactly, until everything I know changes. All the people I have known for years won't be there anymore. It's already changing. Danielle, my soul mate, the one person who as understood me completely, my sister, is moving across the state. For as long as I've known her, she's always been across the field. If I really needed her, all I had to do was call and say "Let's go for a walk" and after that, everything seemed better. Sure, we had our rough patch, and that was horrible, but it only made our relationship stronger. We've grown together. We've influenced each other's personalities so much that it's hard to tell where she stops and I begin. And in a few months, she'll be gone. Her family is moving, too. She says she's going to come back and visit, and I'm sure she will a few times, but then she'll get distracted. She'll have to work, she'll have class, she won't be able to afford the gas, we'll grow apart, before you know it, she'll be a memory from high school, an old friend I haven't seen in years.

It'll be the same with everyone else I know right now. More than likely, (apart from my family,) the people I know and love right now won't be part of my life in 10 years. I won't be alone, I know that. I'll make loads of new friends in college. I'll probably meet a guy and he'll become my life. I'll have a career and start a family and then my husband and kids will be my life. It just blows my mind to think about it. Right now, I can name at least five people who I owe my life to. I am them. They have molded me into who I am. They have supported me and driven me to be everything I want to be, and I can only hope I've done the same for them, yet eventually, I won't know them anymore. It completely terrifies me.

I'm a child for four more months. I have four months before I'm an adult. I have 12 before I have to put everything I've learned into practice. For the first time in my whole life, I'm going to have to share a room with someone. I'm not going to have a whole house to spread my life around. I'm going to have a room. Maybe two if I get a suite. I'll always have Mom and Dad's house, but it won't really be my home anymore. This town won't be my life anymore. This house won't be mine anymore. It'll be my parents.

Maybe that's why I couldn't sleep.

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I went outside this morning, and it had been raining. Not a heavy rain, just a shower. It was still just barely sprinkling. The grass was damp. The sidewalk was dark. The sky was a gorgeous shade of grey. The air was fresh. It's my favorite, the time right after it rains. Every color is deeper, richer. The air smells new. The sounds of life surround me in a blanket of security. I walked to then end of the driveway because there's always a great big puddle there after it rains. As I stepped in it, mud squished in between my toes and suddenly I was five years old again. I made footprints and splashed a little, watching my puddle ripple. A car turning the corner behind me brought me back, and I realized how ridiculous I must look: a teenager in shorts and a sweatshirt playing in mud puddles at six thirty in the morning. I turned to walk back to the house and stopped to take another amazing breath of the fresh morning air and realized that its exactly what's happening in my life right now.

Then I went inside, made myself some delicious banana pancakes, and ignored the world for awhile.

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My life is a rainstorm. It shouldn't be scary, but sometimes it is. I shouldn't worry about losing my friends because even if we grow apart and lose touch, I'll always have them. I'll always be them. It's a brand new chance. But I still will miss them. It's a new day. My senior year, I better make the most of it, but I don't have to. I know the people I spend it with will be ingrained in my memory forever. But, then again, if it's horrible I have a new chance to have fun. I have college. I have my whole life.

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I hope I end up being everything I want to be.

I hope I end up happy.

I think I need to sleep on it.